Wednesday, October 30, 2013


Now here's a fellow who took the time to take a different tact from the usual tall tales.

Major Alan Edward <>


I am in the Military Unit here in Afghanistan, we have some amount of funds that we want to move out of the country. My partners and I need a good partner and someone we can trust. It is risk free and legal. Reply to this

I saw this movie. It was called Three Kings and starred George Clooney. I enjoyed it so much, I had to take part in it.

At ease, Major!

They say war is hell, but from here it looks like heaven -- like $20 million worth! And no way should your trust be given out lightly. You've been fighting a war where the next camel you see might have a bomb inside its hump. I had a hump the other night, and it was a bomb. But I didn't tell her, haha!
I'm afraid I'm not married. At least, not any more. My wife left me for another lady. Can you believe that? I wondered why she watched Ellen Degeneres all the time and knew the lyrics to all the Indigo Girls songs. The lady she left me for has hair shorter than me and looks like a Teamster. I mean, she looked more like a man than me. Maybe that was my problem. Well, that and the hairs on my tongue.
But trust, like the street where I grew up, runs both ways (except when street cleaning rules are in effect). I know that you need my all my vital information. But I need to trust you. I need to see your military ID (dog tags -- like you're animals, so insulting) before I show you my passport. Then we can talk about that money situation of yours. Just don't tell my ex-wife. She and her "husband" might want some of that loot, probably for one of them to get a sex change, which would be really stupid, since that would make the whole lesbian thing moot.

 Not only did he come through with the ID, he actually asked for my input regarding investments. Now that's a pal!
Dear Friend,
 I am in receipt of your recent email hence this reply please note  that this transaction is LEGAL AND RISK FREE ,I have also sent an attached copy of my military id along this mail.I need you to trust me and help me achieve this dream.

 funds were discovered in one of the raid we carried out here in the city of Kabul. We have decided to hide these funds until recently when the Government embarks on the pulling out of our troops from here. please note that immediately I acquire this money the need to find a very reliable and trusted person who will help receive and keep the money safe now arises, so i now have to search through the international web contact directory database so that is where I found your very credible contact.My unit will be the next to be pulled of out of here in the next 3-4 months or so, hence the need to get a reliable partner that can help us receives this funds until I return home became very necessary. Please I will appreciate your co-operation and your utmost honesty to execute this transaction with me. The total sum amount in the box is $20,000,000 MILLIONS US DOLLARS and I hope that you can handle it?
Immediately the money get to you just go ahead and take your 30% and then keep my 70% very safe until i am through with my business over here.
 Meanwhile i will want you to help me suggest a very good and lucrative business that we can both invest in and after my service is through which will be December this year i will come over and run our investment. I will really appreciate if you can respond back with your full contact details so that we can proceed further.

Full Name:
Contact Address:
Phone number:
A scan copy of your ID or International Passport.

Hoping to hear from you soonest.
Major Alan Edward.
I couldn't wait to get our business up and running.
My my, what a strapping soldier you are! No doubt you kicked some serious Kabul butt. Or would that be Kabulian butt? Those middle east countries have oil money floating out of their ears; no way are they going to miss $20 million, You deserve it, pal, no doubt about it. By the way, just a million one-dollar bills weighs 2,040 pounds, which is pretty darn heavy. So 20 million times 2,040 is way more than I can figure out even with a calculator. So make sure you exchange them for hundreds. I think that would be only 400 pounds. If airplanes can carry fat people, they can certainly carry the same weight in money.
As for a good investment, well you came to the right person! I've got an idea that will make us even bigger millionaires! Condoms for dogs when their owners can't afford to get them fixed. Believe me, pet owners will spend anything for their animals. They're sick that way, that's for sure, unless you're a pet owner, which would mean you just care about them a lot. I've been batting around some names for the product. Which one sounds good to you?:
K9 Condoms
Fido Fux
Bow Wow Balloons
Rover's Rubbers

And since you were so good to show me your ID, here is mine. I hope this gives all the information you need. By the way, can you give me an advance on that $20 million? I want to start up the business ASAP, partner!

 Once again, my cut-and-paste skills were a sure sign I wasn't on the level. Either that, or he was a Broadway maven who immediately recognized the legendary stage actor Bobby Clark, because this was the end of our communication. When will I ever learn?


Monday, October 28, 2013


 I was getting a little tired of this whole Nigerian thing, so it was with great pleasure I received something a little more Singaporean -- even if it was a sad story to read:

 Dearly Beloveth, I am Mrs Aisyah a Singaporean nationality. I was married to Late Denis Woodsberg of blessed memory who was an oil explorer in Brunei Darrusalem for twelve years before he died in the year 2005. We were married for twelve years without a child; he died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Since his death I too have been battling with both Cancer and fibroid problems. When my late Husband was alive he deposited a substantial amount of money worth GBP 4,300,000.00 Million British Pounds with a bank abroad which I inherited and recently, my doctor told me that I have only 2 months to live due to my ailment. having known my condition I decided to donate this funds to a devoted God fearing personality that will utilize the funds basically to the benefit of the less privileged ones since I have no next of kin to inherit my estate funds. I want you to always pray for me, Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another individual for this same purpose. If you are not interested, kindly pardon me for contacting you. You can reach me with my private Email ID( May God be with you and your entire family as you reply to assist me. Remain blessed. Mrs Aisyah.

 Let it not be said that I'm unsympathetic:

Now that is some sad story! I thought I had it tough when I my aunt died when she sneezed while brushing her teeth and choked to death on her toothbrush. Now that I think of it, I didn't have it as tough as her. She died, I lived. That's why I don't brush my teeth anymore. You never know when a sneeze is going to happen. Colgate is for the birds.

I'll pray for you, alright. I'll also pray to get my hands on your money. What do I have to do?

I guess I was a little too honest at the end. I never heard from her again.


Friday, October 4, 2013


 And it's back to the time-tested Nigerian scam. Note how the word "embassy" is deliberately misspelled in the first email just in case I want to get in touch with him -- clever people, these Nigerians! But that still doesn't explain why the first letter in every word in the body of the email is capitalized.

Web Site; Http://Nigeria.Usembassy.Gov/Biography.Html

Attention Beneficiary

Without Mincing Words, I Am Convinced 100% That You Have Had Bitter Experience With Various Scammers 'Claiming To Be High Government Officials Banks And Thereby Defrauding You Of Your' Hard-Earned Money'The Activities Of These Scammers Has Changed Your Perspective About Conducting Business On The Internet And You Now Believed There Is No Genuine Business That Can Be Conducted On The Internet. Well I Am American And The Internet Was Created By Americans For The Purpose Of Creating; Awareness For Your Products/ Services And Conducting Genuine Business With Ease. I Am Fully Committed To Deliver The Diplomatic Consignment To You. I Am A Full Citizen Of The United States.

Hence, I Am Making Every Effort To Ensure That No Citizen Of The United States Is Cheated By Nigeria/Benin Republic. Therefore, I Need Your Utmost Support And Understanding To Actualize This Dream. I Also Want You To Understand That I Do Trust You And I Expect You To Show Me The Same Trust And Respect In Return Since Trust Is A 2-Way Street. On
The Other Hand, Trust Is A Relationship Of Reliance. Trust Also Means Being Able To Predict What Other People Will Do And What Situations Will Occur.

The United States Embassy Has Resolved On A Diplomatic Mission To Nigeria On-Behalf Of 100 Scam Victims To Be Compensated After Police Arrested Some Fraudsters In Lagos Nigeria Who Mentioned Your Particulars As One Of The Victims Of Circumstances.

Note That After My Meeting With Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, President Federal Republic Of Nigeria And Other House Of Representative Members, World Bank, United Nations And International Monetary Fund (IMF),They Agreed To Pay You (Five Million Us American Dollars Only) As Your Compensation, You Have Really Paid So Much In This Delivery That Makes Me Wonder. You Are A Very Lucky Person Because I Shall Be Bringing It Myself And There Is Nothing Anyone Can Do About It. Check Here:

Your Package($5Million USD) Must Be Registered As An Ambassadorial Package  For Me To Defeat All Odds And The Cost Of Registering It Is $185.The Fee Must Be Paid
So That All Necessary Arrangement Can Be Made Before Time Will Be Against Us. Contact My Secretary Immediately For The Registering Fee Which Is $185 Only.

Contact My Secretary Immediately For More Information.
Rev Dike Efe

Congratulations For Your Name Were Among The List To Be Receiving Compensation Payment.

I Expect You To Comply Before Then So That The Delivery Can Be Completed.
If You Do Not Comply, Then It Will Not Be My Fault If You Do Not Receive Your Package. Call Me With This Number For More Information:
Call +234-7062700110.

Best Regards.

Finally! Someone who cares for us people being scammed! I had to show my appreciation.

Hello Rev Dike!
Your boss got in touch with me about those scams that have been coming my way. I'm glad someone in your government is taking a look at this stuff. Trust is a 2 way street, but I live on a one-way street. I hope that doesn't make any difference.
Yes, predicting what people will do and changes will happen is important. But the sports anchors and weathermen never seem to get it right. Always off about the hurricane season! You don't have hurricanes in Nigeria, right? You have no idea what those are like. Wind and rain like the dickens alright.
Five million smackers for me? Nigeria: land of opportunity! I'm confused about this $185 deposit thingy, though. Can you explain it a little clearer? All those capitalized words in your boss' email got me dizzy -- had to lie down! So let me know what I got to do.
My best to Nigeria.

They make it pretty clear that I've got to fork over 185 bucks.

Us Ambassador To Nigeria
2, Walter Carrington Crescent
Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria

Attention Beneficiary:
This Is To Inform You That I Acknowledge Your Mail,

The Total Amount For Everything Is $185 We Have Tried Our Possible Best To Indicate That This $185 Should Be Deducted From Your Approved And
Endorse Fund But We Found Out That The Funds Have Already Been
Deposited To This Office And Cannot Be Accessed By Anyone Apart From
You The Winner, Therefore You Will Be Required To Pay The Required

You Are Hereby Approved To Receive Your Fund As We Have Verified The
Entire Transaction To Be Safe And 100% Risk Free, Due To The Fact That
The Funds Have Been Deposited With Our Office  And You Will Be
Required To Settle The Cost Of Registration $185 The Fee Must Be Paid
So That All Necessary Arrangement Can Be Made Before Time Will Be
Against Us

In Order To Proceed With This Transaction, You Will Be Required To
Make The Payment With Our Embassy Protocol Officers Name Below:

Receives Name: Mrs.Helen Ndukwe
Address: 11, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria
Text Question: For
Text Answer: Service
Amount Expected $185

As Soon As You Make The Payment You Send Me The Details So That I Will
Proceed For The Onward Delivery Immediately.The President Will Endorse
The Final Signatory Before I Have To Proceed With The Delivery To You
House Address

Please Take Note That The "Custom Clearance Certificate" And Certified
Check Will Be Packaged Together Inside The U.S Embassy Official
Envelope For Immediate Dispatch To Your Mailing Address. Hence, You
Are Advised To Comply As Requested To Enable Me Discharge My Official
Duty Accordingly.
God Bless You.

 Oops! Dealing with Mrs. Helen Ndukwe was out of the question.

I'm sorry, but as a devout member of the Fukawi religion, I'm not allowed to make monetary transactions with women. If someone other than Mrs.Helen Ndukwe can handle my money, perhaps we can continue.

 I'm glad they respected my religion.

Attention Beneficiary:

This Is To Inform You That I Acknowledge Your Mail,

In Order To Proceed With This Transaction,
Make The Payment With Our Embassy Protocol Officers Name Below:

Receives Name: Mr Princewill  Sereaka
Address: 11, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria
Text Question: For
Text Answer: Service
Amount Expected $185

As Soon As You Make The Payment You Send Me The Details So That I Will
Proceed For The Onward Delivery Immediately. And also reconfirm your
Home Address

 Now we could proceed.

That's more like it. Women and money don't mix with us Fukawis. You know, you guys have interesting names -- Goodluck, Princewill. It's like you came up with them by playing Scrabble.
I've been collecting pennies for years. And I just happen to have enough to cover that $185. I don't have any rolls, so they would just be kind of loose in a manila envelope. Would a manila envelope be OK? I ask only because you live in Nigeria and not Manila. If they had a Nigeria envelope, I'd use that.

I received an acknowledgement five minutes later:

Attention Beneficiary:
This Is To Inform You That I Receive Your Mail.

Just to show I was professional:

This is to inform you that I receive your mail, too.

It looked like I hit a raw nerve:

Attention Beneficiary:
Sir what do you expect from me now to do or do you want to make me
lose my job here. if you are no really capable to handle this then you
can call my boss and discuss with him.

Listen Sir, here we are working on instruction and directive and i
think i give you all the service you needed for the registration of
your fund. You have to make the payment to enable your fund be among
that will receive there fund by Sunday or Monday Morning. i serve God
and i keep to my word. Have a nice day.

He had gone from "God Bless You" to "Have a nice day." Looked like it was time to wrap this up.

Simmer down, Rev! I don't want you to lose your job. I mean, I'm on your side here. I just asked if I could pay you in pennies. Sorry if that was too much to ask. Look, my uncle's the ambassador to Nigeria -- he'd be happy to drop by your office with money in person. He'll give your boss a call so he arrange the drop-off. How's that sound?

 I never got a reply. And I thought it was a pretty fair offer.



 OK, I admit it: I've been known to play the lottery once in a while. You know, a dollar & a dream and all that stuff. Well, was I delighted to see that I could have a really big dream -- for nothing!
Mr Carlos Vincent via 

Good day,

My name is Mr Carlos Vincent, I work with the Euro Lottery. I am soliciting your assistance for a swift transfer of £4,528,000.00 GBP,(Four Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Eight Thousand GBP).

should you be willing to assist me in this project? you will be giving me just 40% of your winnings.and 60% for your effort you put in.

Just as a brief,you just have to register online,due to my position in the company I can make it happen that you would be a winner of the above stated amount. Naturally, every body would like to play a lottery if they are assured of winning.

I am assuring you today to be a winner, please do not take for granted this once in a life time opportunity as we both stand to collectively gain from this at the success of the transaction.

Should you be willing to assist me in this transaction please do respond to e-mail:

Mr Carlos Vincent
 I tend not to trust guys who put "Mr." in front of their names -- it's not like it signifies a real occupation.
Dear Mr. Vincent,
That's incredible. Four million pounds -- that's almost as many pounds as the Kardashian sisters put together! But I didn't enter the lottery. And you said you can make me win. Is that legal? I'd hate to do something illegal. Are you sure we can do this without getting into trouble?
This was the first time a scammer admitted it was a scam.
Hello Friend,  
While thanking you for your response to my e-mail,am not doing it for you because i want your money just that i need an outsider on this so please be assured that this project is ready for execution and it is 100% risk-free and hitch-free provided you follow my instructions as the originator of the deal.
I am the operations manager who generate weekly winning number, that is I operate the Euro Lottery electronic system that generates winning numbers. 
I can make you emerge winner of £4,528,000.00 (Four Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Eight Thousand GBP). First, you would have to visit the Euro Lottery official website and register as an intending lottery player and a confirmation e-mail of your registration containing a password would be sent to you immediately.
All you need do is forward that confirmation e-mail to my own e-mail account, please do not take any further action as I am fully responsible for the other actions.Using my position as the chief system operator. 
I would manipulate the system selecting you as the winner of the above stated funds and full payment formalities of your presumed winnings would be conducted under the official presumption that you indeed won the prize.
Please appreciate the fact that this entire process took 2years of strategic planning to come to this perfected modality and I am working with a legal partner on this who would be taking care of all legal issues just to ensure that we are fully within the premises of the law making this transaction 100% legal and legitimate. 
This you would agree with me guarantees our enjoyment of the proceeds with absolute peace of mind even after the transfer. In fact, the essence of the enjoyment of the proceeds with absolute peace of mind is the sole yardstick with which we intend to conduct the affairs of this project.
Please do advise me on a direct phone line I can communicate with you, please be free to call me at any time on my 
cell phone below.
Mr Carlos Vincent
 How does someone with a phone code for Bermuda run the Euro Lottery? Oh, who cares!
This sure sounds exciting! You spent two years essentially figuring out a way to scam the Lottery -- and want me to take part! But here's the thing. If you're ready and willing to scam the Lottery, how do I know you're not trying to scam me? I'd like to see some ID, if you don't mind. You know, something that identifies you as the operator of the Lottery. You do that, and we can talk. Otherwise, well, how can I trust you?
As usual, this wasn't too much to ask.
Hello Friend, How are you today?for your information am not trying to scammed you either the lottery home,my quarantines is very close and my daughter is lying down in the hospital that why so if you are interested in helping me out do proceed with it.however attache in this mail is a copy of ID Card and pics that is the best i can send and you have send me yours too to enable me know who am dealing with because this is a huge sum of amount. First you have to visit the website and  First, you would have to visit the Euro Lottery official website and register as an intending lottery player and a confirmation e-mail of your registration containing a password would be sent to you immediately. 

 Yep, those look 100% authentic alright. I responded in kind.
Wow, you're a handsome dog, aren't you? Better keep my wife away from you -- might start getting ideas!
I don't blame you for wanting a gander at my ID -- lots of money involved, eh? Especially when you're rigging the game!. But you only want to give me 60%. I'm taking a real risk here you know. You're in charge of the thing, you can get away scot free. Excuse me, Brit free, HAHAHA! But seriously, I'm going to be left holding the bag. What do you say if you give me, say 80% and a carton of Weetabix? I'm probably going to have to hightail it to England once this goes down, so I might as well get used to that stuff, you handsome dog you.

I guess Mr. Carlos Vincent wasn't fooled, because I didn't hear from his again. It must be because he knew that the man in the photo, comedic actor Robert Woolsey, died in 1938. I mean, it's not because it doesn't look authentic, right?