SCAM #6: ALBERTO V. MARTINEZ/CHAN NORMAN

This offer got straight to the point:

Private business deal. $47.1 million USD. Reply to my private address.

Alberto V. Martinez

A Spanish guy with a Chinese address. Sounds like big business to me!

Dear Senor Martinez,

I called you Senor because your name looks Spanish so I wanted to be polite. Or should I say polite-o? See, I speak Spanish! So I am very interested indeed with your business deal. I tried to open a business, it was chicken de-boning for people afraid to choke on bones. It didn't work out well, I guess people like choking on chicken bones.

So I am interested in your $47.1 million business deal. Please give me information as soon as you can so I can come up with another business not like de-boning chickens.

 These big business guys have partners. That's the only reason why the reply came under a different name. Right?

Dear Friend,

All information about the business proposal and LOC Form are attached along side with this email. Please kindly go through the attachment and respond to me accordingly.

Regards,

Chan Norman

It was tempting to open the attachments, but I didn't want my computer to come down with a particularly bad Asian virus. But I didn't want to be sound like an ugly American.

Say, what's going on here? First I hear from Senor Martinez, now you're calling yourself Chan Norman. I'm confused! Not that I don't want a $47.1 million deal. I looked up your name and you sound very important. A Chinese banker. Does that mean a half hour after you make a withdrawal, you want to do it again? HAHA! Just kidding, please don't take offense. I like to joke.

I couldn't open your attachments. Can you just write them in an email? My computer is is very old. Your picture on the internet looks honest, so I trust you to do the right thing. And if you have a good recipe for fried rice, please send that, too. 

Not having heard from him the next day as I usually do with these guys, I figured that was the end of it. But the day after -- success!

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your mail and interest in this transaction. If you refer to my previous emails, I had told you what you are required to send before we commence this transaction. Well if I may remind you again, you are required to send a copy of your Driver's License or your International Passport and sign the LOC form and send it back to me, the most important issue is that I want to be sure I am transacting with the correct person, my curiosity can be justified considering the money in question, besides, it is this copy of your Driver's License or International Passport that will be be used by the Attorney have all the necessary documentations perfected.

If you really intend to execute this transaction with me it would be necessary to have these sent to me immediately via email attachment or to my fax +85282657456. I earnestly await your response with the required details.

These fellows sure enjoy run-on sentences. The second sentence alone runs 87 words.

Syntax aside, I understand his need for proper ID -- but would he understand mine as well?

Ah ha! Now I get it. I thoroughly understand why you'd want my passport -- I could be anybody other than who I am! Your curiosity is justified by a mile, maybe two! I have no problem giving a copy of my passport to a total stranger, especially when 47.1 million buckaroos are involved. (That's how we talk here in Oklahoma USA!)

But who are you? How can I be sure I'm dealing with the same Chan Norman I've seen on Googleville? If I'm not being too out of line, would you send me a copy of your driver's license or passport, just to satisfy my curiosity? Like we say here in Oklahoma USA, it's only fair, cowboy! Not that you're a cowboy, it's just the phrase. (Although if you are a cowboy, that would definitely be a plus!) Once I see you are who you are (and who else would you be other than you, I hope?) I will be happy to send you a copy of my passport, complete with photo, ID number and eagle in the background. If I could include the little computer chip, I'd do that, too.

I look forward to perfected documentations.

PS: What happened to Senor Martinez?

Gentleman that he is, Mr. Norman came through.

Dear Partner,

Thank you for your reply. My passport is contained in the attachment. I shall look forward to have the LOC FORM and your identification for the immediate commencement of the legal operation of this transaction.

Regards,

Norman.

 

Nothing phony about that. I was grateful for his effort, however, and responded in kind:

Howdy Partner!

I'm proud that one as esteemed as you calls me partner, That's a big compliment here in Oklahoma, where the wind comes blowing down the plains. You know, I have to admit that at first I thought this was some kind of scam you were pulling on me. I mean, you're the Chief Executive of the Hong Kong Monetary Authority and a graduate from Hong Kong U. Me? I scrape dog feces from our sidewalks. That's no fun, especially in the winter when it it's cold and hard and freezes so I have to use a crowbar to get it off the street. And in the summer, it's soft as ice cream and stinks like anything. If I was part of a 47.1 million USD deal, I'd hire people to do it for me.

I attached my passport down here somewhere. So let's get to work, partner, so I can stop scraping dog feces off the street.

PS: What does USD mean?

Something must have given away my ruse -- was it my name (Happy Traveler)? Did he recognize the photo as long-gone actor Bert Wheeler? Whatever it was, Chan Norman has apparently washed his hands of me. I was really looking forward to that fried rice recipe, too.

                                               

 

SCAM #5: DAVID JAMES

(To understand what's going on here, please click  Introduction before proceeding.)

Think you have enough credit cards? What if I were to tell you that VISA was offering one already loaded with spending money? Now are you interested? Let David James explain:


詳細ヘッダー
ATM Visa Card Department
ATM CONDUCT CODE ( ATM 101 )

Following the receipt of your email to this office and your re confirmation information which you have submitted for the delivery of your ATM Visa Card, we are pleased to inform you that after due verification of your data from our payment database here, your information was confirmed and we have approved the delivery of your ATM Visa Card which contain the total sum of $2,500.000.00. (Two Million, Five hundred Thousand United State Dollars Dollars), Which you can make withdraw at any ATM Machine in your location Worldwide, with maximum daily limit amount of US$15,000.00 ''Fifteen Thousand United States Dollars''  daily.

Be informed that we have made delivery arrangement with the FedEx Courier Company to commence delivery of your ATM Visa Card immediately you meet up with the requirements to grant the release of your Card. As you already know, there is an Insurance clearance and a Security Keeping fee of US$320.00 which is mandatory to be paid before your Card can be granted for immediate delivery as the delivery charges has already been paid.

Further to this, you are hereby advise to submit your Security Keeping Fees and Insurance Clearance Fees of US$320.00 to help facilitate the release of your ATM Visa Card so we can proceed to the FedEx Courier Company for submitting of your Parcel for delivery to your doorstep within 48Hours of shipping.

You are advise to submit your fees through Money Gram OR Western Union Money Transfer Payable directly to our official Cashier Mr. Noel Eboh with the information as indicated below.

CASHIER/RECEIVER'S NAME: MR. NOEL EBOH
ADDRESS: PLOT 132, ROCKVILLE STR, VICTORIA ISLAND, LAGOS- NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION: COLOR?
TEXT ANSWER: PURPLE.
AMOUNT: US$320.00

As soon as your payment is made available for procedures, kindly submit to this office, a scan copy of your payment receipt or detail information of your payment, to help us confirm your payment and Grant the release of your ATM Visa Card. Once your ATM Visa Card is granted for delivery, we shall immediately proceed to the FedEx Courier Company and have them commence shipment of your ATM Visa Card to your designated address for pickup and withdrawal of your fund.

Immediately the shipment of your ATM Visa Card is commence, we shall not hesitate to forward the Tracking Numbers of your shipment to your for Tracking of your Parcel online to know it specific time for arrival at your door step.

You are advise to treat your payment as urgent today to enable immediate release and procedures on the shipment of your ATM Visa Card.

Please feel more free to contact me directly if there is any clearance needed regarding the delivery of your ATM Visa Card.

Call me on my direct line at: +234-7037133389 for further clearance.

We Anticipate your Kind Co-operations.

Your Safety is 100% Guaranteed.

Awaiting receipt of your payment.

Mr. David James.
ATM Visa Card Department

ATM 101

 I like the Chinese lettering at the top of the email -- looking all international gives it a touch of authenticity. It's really tempting to call these guys in the middle of the night Nigeria time, but I prefer email as my main form of communication:

Man oh man oh schevitz, am I glad you got in touch with me! Glenn Beck was talking about this the other day, how there have been screw-ups with credit cards. Like a billion dollars or something just waiting to be given to cardholders. Thank you for your honesty! It gives me faith in my fellow man!

You say I need to give you $32, and that's fine. How do I do that? Can I send you a check? If you live close enough to me (I live in Arizona -- go, Wildcats!) I can see you in person.

Please reply soon. Two and a half million can go a long way these days. Heck, I could own all of Jerome!

Too much? Perhaps. Another dead end.

INTRODUCTION

As with anyone with an email address, I've been the target of the occasional money scam from Nigeria and China. Of course, I always deleted them. 

Until I decided to start stringing them along for my own amusement. The exchanges tended to be brief, most crooks not having the patience to fool around with a wiseacre. What they have in common are admonishments to steer clear of scams -- but their offer was for real.

Our conversations are below, along with commentary in red in between. I've highlighted my replies in blue in order to tell the messages apart.

(Note: all misspellings, punctuation errors and grammatical madness are part of the original emails.)

SCAM #1: DURO BOSCO

In retrospect, I should have asked him if he had any connection to Bosco chocolate syrup.

Hello,

I am attorney Dominic Church, writing to inform you that your name was selected in a random drawing conducted at our chambers today, which automatically qualified you as the sole legal beneficiary to the Duro Bosco’s philanthropic funds of 15M USD.

Your winning entitles you to 60% of the amount stated above, while 40% will have to be donated to any charity organization of your choosing. This project is 100% real and legitimate, and with your maximum cooperation, the funds would be remitted to you within the next 5days. You should respond to this email ASAP for further information about this project and how to proceed with claiming your winning.

Waiting to hear from you

Dominic Church (Esq).
On Behalf of:
Duro Bosco Philanthropy
+60-163949019

"100% real and legitimate" -- it works for me! Even if I get to keep only 60% of it. I answered immediately:

Dear Mr. Church (Esq.),

This is so exciting! 60% of 15 million is a lot of money! (I’m not sure how much – never good at math. LOL!!) How did I deserve this? It doesn’t matter. Maybe I do deserve it! I’m a good person. I work hard. I don’t know if the news wherever you’re from – it can’t be America, because nobody but Trump has 15 million dollars -- but our economy is very bad. My work is really cheap and is firing a lot of us to make even more money. (Don’t tell them I told you. LOL!!) So I would really like to have more money.

I have so many charities I’d like to help. My father died from lumbago. There must be a lumbago charity. People talk about cancer, nobody talks about lumbago. That would be a good start. Maybe you can help me find the lumbago charity.

Thank you and let me know what to do. I want to help people with lumbago (and myself! LOL!!)

PS: I’ve never seen (Esq.) in someone’s name. Is that German or French?

 

That did the trick. The next email was from the philanthropist himself. He was kind enough to attach three photos. The captions are his.

My dear friend,

My first email to you via my attorney was not very elaborate, so I will try to shed more light on this project. My name is Duro Bosco, a 52yr old Saudi Arabian national, currently based in Malaysia. I have worked for years in the Oil Sector as a freelance crude exporter and importer. I have made so much money all my life, but I haven't lived my life well. I have been so selfish and greedy; in all my affluence, I have never given back a dime to humanity. This might be the reason nature has decided to punish me.

I write you this email in total agony; I am under excruciating pains in my chest, I'm constantly vomiting blood, the level of my heartburn is at least 13times more than the normal person, swallowing even water is to me at this time, one of the hardest things ever to do. The doctors have inserted a stent to keep my esophagus dilated so it's easier for me to swallow. You see, I have been diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer which was not detected until it had spread out into various organs of my body. I have had chemotherapy and radiation and then surgery to remove the cancer, but it's spread so much, all the treatments have been to no avail. 

The doctors have finally informed me that I have only two weeks to live. Before this information from the doctors, I had already accepted my fate, and have made peace with my maker, now I am ready to face the inevitable. Before I pass, I will like to do right by humanity. I know money cannot buy my way into heaven or peaceful eternity, but I want to have peace with my conscience and go in peace and rest of mind when the day comes. Before my predicament, My personal company had deposited the sum of Fifteen Million USD (US$15,000,000.00) in a private bank here. It is my desire to give that money to good cause which supports cancer patients. All I am looking for now is a trustworthy person to assist me in bringing my last wishes to pass. This is why I am writing you to take control of my funds and disburse it as I desire. When you procure the funds, please keep 60%($9M) to yourself and make a good investment with it, as I have been in money so long to know that money comes and goes and goes really fast, a lot faster than it came. Then donate the balance 40%($6M) to a charity/cause that takes care of cancer patients.

This is the only thing that will give me a clear conscience in joining my ancestors, and everyday I breathe is another day that draws me days closer to the inevitable. I am ready to move on, but I want to know that this has happened when I go. This is my last wish on earth, please my dear friend, be the one to help a dying man live to see his last earthy wish come to pass. I am attaching three photos to this email. The first one is the doctors breaking the death news to me and delivering the reports, the second is me trying to spiritually educate my mind by reading articles online, and the third is just, well, a preamble of what my daily live is like. Please respond to this email with your direct phone number, just to reassure me that you will deligently perform this task, and that the $40% ($6M) will be given to the best cause you know. As soon as I receive your response, I will give you all the information you'll need to get this done. I'll give you my lawyer's contact details, and he'll provide you with all the necessary papers to get the funds and help me fulfill my last heart desire. Do this for me, and heaven will NEVER turn it's back on you.

Waiting anxiously beside this computer to hear back from you.

In faith

Duro Bosco

 

Doc breaks news

Using my last days wisely

What I go through

I never knew doctors posed for photos when they break "death news" to their patients. It certainly plucked my heartstrings -- so much so that I attached a photo in my reply:

OMG! That sounds terrible. Your illness I mean, not your money. But you're right! Money doesn't buy happiness!

But like my uncle used to say, “Every cloud has a silver lining.”  (he told me a lot of sayings!) Do you know what that means? For every bad thing that happens, good comes. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but look, you have cancer but you are rich!  Not me. You know what my father left me? His shoehorns. That’s right. His shoehorns. You live in Malaysia, so I don’t know if you know what shoehorns are. They’re metal things that you put in your shoe. When you’re not wearing them I mean. I don’t know why. I think it would be good to let them be empty, kind of like to rest. If I were resting, I wouldn’t want anybody to put a shoehorn in me. By the way, I don’t know why they’re called shoehorns, you don’t play music with them.
I would like to help you very much. And like I said to your lawyer I would like the money for me and a lumbago charity. But I live with my mother (I need to take care of her because she has a twisted manitoba near her labonza so she can't get around much). She doesn't like me to hand out our phone number to strangers or even friends. We haven't gotten a phone call in five years! But I think she would let me give you our number. She's visiting her sister in Dubuque right now . I know you have only two weeks but if you can just wait until my mother gets back, that would be a good thing for us. Maybe the day after tomorrow?
PS: Those pictures you sent made me very sad. If you could send happier pictures I would like that. I have attached a happy picture of me to make you feel better.

 

 My photo must have scared Mr. Bosco because I never heard from him again.

SCAM #2: DR. SANUSI LAMIDO SANUSI

The scammer so nice, he named himself twice:

Dear Beneficiary,I Am Dr. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, The Executive Governor Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) . Please confirm this information As Urgent As Possible. Did you Send MR. Gary Stocking from USA to Come And claim your Contract funds Valued at US$10,000,000.00?.(TEN MILLION) Your Funds Which Has Benn Long Approved In Your Name By The Federal Goverment Of Nigeria, And Was Deposit Here In Central Bank Nigeria (CBN). Below is the Banking account details of Mr Gary Stocking Where he want us to transfer your funds to. International Bank of Qatar,Account Holder Name:Gary Stocking Account Number:0001220480001,He is Also trying to pay all the charges And Get your funds claim . Please your urgent confirmation is highly needed now before Your fund will be released to A Wrong Person Within The next 48 hours, Regards,Dr. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, Direct Mobile Tel +234-80-23803501

 

  I admit to having been confused -- is his first name Sanusi or Mallam? I probably should have called him on his Direct Mobile cell. But I was too excited:

Holy mother of Guam! $10,000,000.00! Do you know how much that is? $10,000,000.00, that's what!  That kind of dough I could use like Kim Kardashian uses a crust remover.

I hope you don't mind but at first I was afraid that this was a scam, too, but I googled your name and there you were! Now I believe you. Your picture is trustworthy, too.  I read that somebody accused you of plagiarism but I don't believe them. You wear a bowtie and that's good enough for me.

Please stop that crook who is disabusing my good name. I hope you have the death penalty in Nigeria. HUGE fan of the electric chair  but in your country maybe you should throw him in a lion's den, naked and covered in gazelle blood. Do you have lions around your house, or elephants? But giraffes, forget it. Those long-necked bastards can bite me. AMIRITE?

I just moved to New York (the city that never sleeps, FWIW) and haven't  had the chance to get a new phone or open a bank account yet. BUT BUT BUT I have a passport (like I ever travel anywhere, LOL!!) I scanned it, it's here. I should have my account open by tomorrow, is that good for you?

God bless (and Goodluck, LOL!!) Nigeria.

I should have remembered the effect that photo has on people. I never heard from Mr. Sanusi again.

SCAM #3: TOUR SHABAN M ISSA

Those other offers were interesting, but what I was yearning for was something exciting, like, oh, someone with close ties to an internationally-known tyrant:

Dear Friend,
My Name is ..Tour Shaban m Issa I am one of the cabinet members of Col Gaddafi
in , Libya As you must be aware of the present invasion in my country.
we are all moving our money out of Libya
I want you to quickly help me receive and keep the sum of
15,8million . U S D in your country , I have agreed to
give you 25% of the said money for your assistance. It is very urgent
Please reply me urgently on my
private email: tourshanban@aol.com
I will be waiting .
Regards

Come on -- just 25% of blood money? I decided to play it cool:

I'm flattered you got in touch with me, but how could I help? 

  
Get comfortable -- Mr. Issa has quite a tale to tell:

I want to thank you most sincerely for your prompt response to my request email letter with which you have showed a true sense of partnership and understanding and if you can give me your maximum cooperation and support we can complete the transfer of the funds to your custody within 7days. 

 I am a former cabinet member of Gaddafi former ruling Arab Socialist Union Party where I rose to the post of the organizing secretary; I also served as diplomat and ambassador to the countries of Seychelles, Malawi, Central Africa Republic, Mauritius, Somalia, Lesotho and South Africa between 1986 -1999 before retirement. 

I decided to contact you because of the need of reliable, competent and trustworthy person that could assist and help receive my funds for safekeeping and proper and profitable investments in your country.

Before we proceed it is very important that i inform you about my present situations and my plans of how to successfully transfer the funds to your custody because I believe that your proper understanding of my present problems and the type of assistance required from your esteemed self will go a long way to determine your trust and commitment to the funds transfer proposal.

For your information please take note that the funds cannot be transferred through the banks in Libya because I am presently in hiding and running for my dear life and my bank account has been confiscated while any financial dealings or bank transaction on my side will alert a red flag as there is lots of control by the monetary regulatory authorities at the moment.

To bypass this problems/bottleneck I have perfected plans to secretly ship the funds in cash out of the Libyan territory to your location and as i write to you the funds has already been packed and compressed into trunk boxes in $100 bill denominations and deposited into storage custody at the custom bonded warehouse in Tripoli where it has been declared as diplomatic cargo.

The movement and shipment of the funds will be carried out with the assistance and connections of a trusted UN diplomat who will be using his diplomatic identity and immunity to ship the funds out of Libya as diplomatic cargo.

Be rest assured that the process is 100% secured and guaranteed and will be executed in a manner that will protect you from the breach of any local or international law what will just be required from your side is to cooperate and work together with the diplomat who will make the delivery of the cargo to your custody.

As mentioned in my initial letter I have agreed to give you 25% of the funds for your assistance and you could take out your share immediately the box is delivered to your custody and safe-guide the rest in the vaults pending my arrival in your country.

If you will go ahead to assist and work with me to receive this funds into safe custody for our mutual benefits do get back to me as per return mail so that we can further our discussions and negotiations on how we shall proceed to make the funds transfer a success.

Awaiting your urgent response. 

Best Regards

Trunk boxes filled with C-notes... a trusted diplomat -- this guy thinks of everything! But before I had a chance to reply, he followed up with another email with further details:

Thanks for your prompt reply and I am most glad for your acceptance to move ahead and assist me to receive the funds into safe custody which has given me more confidence and assurance about your capability to handle this operation and I believe you will not betray the trust I will be reposing on you.

Be rest assured that if you can act with all honesty and sincerity in handling this transaction to successful completion there are lot of other benefits and business opportunities which can be derived from our mutual cooperation, but what is most important at this point in time is to work together to make sure the funds are delivered successfully to your safe custody thereafter all other investments modalities will be discussed upon my arrival in your country.

As mentioned in my initial letter I have agreed to give you 25% of the funds for your assistance and you could take out your share immediately the box is delivered to your custody and safe-guide the rest in the vaults pending my arrival in your country.

Before we proceed further it is very important that i inform you that the diplomat who will be making delivery of the consignment cargo to your location does not know the actual true contents of the box, this information was hidden from him because of security reasons so that he does not get greedy and divert the box for his selfish purpose being fully aware of my present predicament.

The document covering the cargo indicates that it was declared as family valuables and documents so as to disguise and conceal the actual contents of the box.

My next plan will now be to contact the diplomat and inform him to begin plans for the immediate shipment of the consignment to your location as you are ready to receive it.

As at my last contact with the diplomat he was in UN headquarters in New York involved in operation logistic for transportation of humanitarian aids to Egypt, Libya and other war torn area in Africa and Middle East and I will try my possible best to reach him as soon as possible.

Please take note that if I do not get back to you or reply your mail as quickly as possible it is because of my present difficult situation as I have to disguise myself when going to public centers to access the internet because there is no internet connections in the locality were I am presently hiding.

Please forward to me as per return mail your address location and the nearest airport to your location so that I can pass across this information to the diplomat to enable him put in place necessary logistics for the shipment and delivery of the cargo.

Awaiting your reply.

Best Regards

Your friend and partner

 
Man, talk about intrigue! I felt like I was starring in a remake of "Casablanca." But there was one little thing I needed clarified:

Before we proceed further, I have to make sure of one thing, just to make sure you are telling the truth. You are a Sunni, aren't you?

Totally legitimate question in deals like this, right?  His reply was swift:

I am a shiites muslim.

Whew. That was a close one. Now we could proceed:

  

That's good. Because if you had been a Sunni, forget it. I couldn't work with you.

Having got religion out of the way, it was time for Mr. Issa to get down to business:

Please forward to me as per return mail your address location and the nearest airport to your location so that I can pass across this information to the diplomat to enable him put in place necessary logistics for the shipment and delivery of the cargo.i will soon be putting off my internet connection.I will be waiting for the details.

Hmm... what if I was the victim of a scam from the Great Satan?:

While I want to trust a brother Shiite, you have to be aware there are many untruthful people in the world. Do you swear that this offer is on the level?

 He must have been salivating by this point:

Yes this offer is true and on the level.

If only I was a more trusting person. As a good faith move, I decided to attach a photo -- but this time I was determined not to use the same one that scared away the others:

I have prayed, and received an answer. If I could look at you in the eyes, I would agree to your offer this second because I would be able to see the truth inside you. I have sent you a photograph of me -- it was taken during a family celebration and is, I admit, a little silly -- and in return I would like to see a picture of you with your eyes open. Even though you won't be in person, I will still be able to see the truth.

It is all I ask for. Then, I will give you the information you request.

 

 

I honestly thought the beard would make me look more authentic. But I guess even he knew that was a photo of John Lennon taken on the set of "Help!" As John once sang, "No reply."

 

  

SCAM #4: BARRISTER ALEXANDRA TOMS

Then came Barrister Alexandra Toms. He's quite an interesting fellow. Working out of the FBI in Washington, he nevertheless has a Chinese email address but is connected to a Nigerian bank. "Busy, busy, busy!" as Billy DeWolfe would tell Merv Griffin.

Either he was hungry for my bank account number or I was convincingly doltish, because this was my longest exchange. Mr. Toms' messages are pretty dense, but read through them carefully. It's the only way you'll make any sense out of my replies. Maybe. 

Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Counter-terrorism Division and Cyber Crime Division
J. Edgar. Hoover Building Washington DC

Dear Beneficiary,

Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $850,000.00 due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency President Good luck Jonathan to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes. Now how would you like to receive your payment? Because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card?

ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $3,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2015. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be mailed to you via FedEx. Because we have signed a contract with FedEx Express which should expire by the end of this month, you will only need to pay $135 instead of $420 saving you $285 So if you pay before the end of this month you save $285 Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any. Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $135.00 nothing more! Nothing less! And we guarantee the receipt of your fund to be successfully delivered to you within the next 48hours after the receipt of payment has been confirmed.

Note: Everything has been taken care of by the Federal Government of Nigeria, The United Nation and also the FBI and including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $135.

DO NOT SEND MONEY TO ANYONE UNTIL YOU READ THIS: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is $420 but because FedEx have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to pay when package is delivered for international shipping We had to sign contract with them for bulk shipping which makes the fees reduce from the actual fee of $420 to $135 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort!

To effect the release of your fund valued at $850,000.00 you are advised to contact our correspondent in Africa the delivery officer Barrister Alexandra Toms with the information below,

Name: Barrister Alexandra Toms
Email: toms_barristeralexandra@yahoo.cn

You are advised to contact him with the information?'s as stated below:

Your full Name..
Your Address:..............
Home/Cell Phone:..............
Preferred Payment Method (ATM / Cashier Check)

Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 48 working hours. Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 48hours after you have made the payment for shipping we the Federal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) will get your funds refund back to you with immediate effect

Yours sincerely,

NICHOLAS STORY
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535
TELEPHONE: (206) 309-0312
FAX: (202) 666-5283

Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM CARD, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Barrister Alexandra Toms of the ATM CARD CENTRE who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your ATM CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon and commence investigation.

Strange how FBI agents use British spelling ("Centre") yet confuse "has" with "have." Still, I needed to reply post-haste:

Wow! I was praying for a large sum of money last night. And I received your email! God is great to me. No wonder why your president’s name is Goodluck Jonathan. He certainly has brought it to me. You must live in a wonderful country. It’s in Africa, isn’t it? I like Tarzan movies, so I’d like to visit some time.

You’re right about those corrupt politicians. Thank God you and the FBI are giving us what’s coming to us. I know there are fraudsters trying to pull a fast one with scams, so seeing something approved by the FBI makes me feel better. (My name isn't Beneficiary, but can I still have the money?)

I would like a check, yes. Imagine the look on the teller’s face when I show her that! They’ll let me go to the “special customers” line from now on! But there’s one thing I have to ask, and not because I don’t trust you. Is it possible for you to email me a picture of you with your ID? Like I said, I trust you, but well you know how it is these days. I have $135 from my job so I can send it to you (would you like money or check?) but I just want to be 100% sure. Please don't be insulted. I'll send you a photo of me if you want so you know who I am.

Please reply soon. $850,000 is a lot of money I could use. 

Clearly, I hit a raw nerve asking for a little proof that he was on the level:

I got your email and the content was well understood. I would like to say that i do appreciate the fact that you can confide in me and pour out your fears. But i must tell you that i have not put my hand in any scam , and this is real and legitimate, i know their are a lot of scams on the internet.

Yes it's true that the world is a global place that people would easily go and scam people most especially on the net because the internet is the easiest way to reach to people and making them believe that the transaction they are offering is real. Therefore i must say that you deemed it fit and did right for explaining all to me in details so that you won't misunderstood the whole issue.

I need you to know that i'm a man of dignity and keeps to my word. It's therefore an insult on my face and on me as a person for you to have thought that i belong to those impostors, though i saw your reasons.By the virtue of a man's word, you could tell who is geniue and not.Though have been involved in such like this does not mean that when you see a legit one you can't tell it's really. God our creator has different ways of restoring all our wasted years and this is the restoration that the lord has ordained for you.

Furthermore, i would want you to know that there is scam in the globe and i would advice you to be careful with the kind of emails you reply to so that you won't be a victim of circumstance anymore . it's my duty to protect your interest and also advice you on legal matters on how to go about it. I promise you will be revived and regain all that you've ever dream t of at the end.You must also know that you will be surprised that the delivery will be made to you as soon as you make the payment and at that point and level of success, you will live to remain grateful to me, I want you to have your mind rest .

Also i want you to know and believe that this is not and will never be a fake because i have to make it known to you that i'm an insider . I would make known to you that i have a good job that is paying me well than going around to scam people of their peanuts. For these reasons, i have my personality, my work and family to protect also i want you to know that good name is better than riches.

Best Regards

Who knew FBI agents got their IDs from Pennysaver flyers? And that this guy was apparently Anderson Cooper's twin brother (with a dye job)? It was good enough for me:

I didn't mean to insult your face! Your ID proves you have a very nice face in fact. It's very obvious you keeps to your word. I asked for your ID and you gave it. I wish I had a fancy ID like yours, but I’m not an FBI agent. In my job what I do is pick up the rigmarole people leave behind in the park. You know, like napkins, dirty diapers and condoms. Condoms are the worse, especially used condoms! Did you know people here (I live in Wisconsin) have sex in public in the park in front of the squirrels? I once saw a couple doing that and it was the worst! Even the squirrel threw up his little nuts. Can the FBI do something about that?  I would appreciate that. The man I work for doesn’t give me gloves, so my fingers get sticky. It’s hard to eat my lunch that way. So please, if you or your friends could do something about that it would be good for me because I like lunch.

I was glad to hear from you, but now I am nervous. You say a good name is better than riches. Does that mean I shouldn’t have the money? I’m very confused! I would like the money, but it sounds like you’re saying I shouldn’t have it. Please help me. Until I hear from you, I will ask God our creator what he thinks. Maybe I should ask him about getting gloves for my job too. He created the world in a week (I think) so gloves should be a cinch.

Thank you for not scamming me of my peanuts.

I must have been getting on his nerves, because he was now yelling at me in caps:

THANK YOU FOR EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS TO ME.

I AM NOT DISPUTING YOUR ASSERTION. OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE MANY BAD GUY OUT THERE LIKE I SAID TODAY WITHOUT HUMAN CONSCIENCE WHO CAN JUST DO ANYTHING JUST TO GET QUICK MONEY THAT NEVER LAST AND CANNOT SOLVE THEIR PROBLEM.

LOOK I AM A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD MATTERS A LOT BECAUSE GOD IS WATCHING EVERY OF OUR ACTIVITIES GOOD OR BAD.

WHATEVER HAPPENS THE BALL IS ON YOUR COURT TO DECIDE ON WHAT TO DO AND I AM NOT BLAMING YOU BECAUSE BAD PEOPLE EXIST THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU NOW THINK AND REASON THAT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME.

BUT THE WORLD IS NOT LIKE THAT. IN AS MUCH AS I AGREED THAT THERE IS A SCAM AND THE BAD ONES CASHED ON THE TRUST REPOSED ON THEM BY THEIR UNSUSPECTING VICTIMS TO RIPP- THEM OFF THEIR HARD EARNED INCOME.

AT ANY RATE, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT GOOD PEOPLE WITH THE FEAR OF GOD STILL EXIST.

I AM NOT SAYING ALL THIS TO CONVINCE YOU BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T TRUST AND REPOSE YOUR CONFIDENCE IN ME,IT WILL BE HARD FOR ANY PERSON TO CHANGE YOUR MIND EXCEPT YOU CHANGE YOUR STAND BY YOURSELF PROBABLY TO GIVE  ME A TRIAL AND I WILL PROVE TO YOU THAT TRULY GOOD PEOPLE STILL ABOUND ON EARTH.

I FEEL BAD SEEING PEOPLE DOING ALL KIND OF SILLY THINGS JUST TO FLEECE INNOCENT PEOPLE THEIR HARD EARN INCOME.

PLEASE THIS IS NOT THESAME THING WITH WHAT YOU MAY BE THINKING ON THE CONTRARY AS THIS IS REAL AND LEGIT. THEREFORE YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FEAR OR WORRY ABOUT AS FAR AS THIS TRANSACTION IS CONCERN.

I HAVE TOLD YOU TO REPOSE YOUR CONFIDENCE IN  ME AND GIVE ME YOUR TRUST AND SEE IF I WILL FAIL YOU.

I WANT TO PROVE A POINT TO YOU AND YOU WILL LATER TESTIFIED TO PEOPLE THAT TRULY GOOD PEOPLE STILL EXIST EVEN IN THE MIDST OF GULLIBLE ONES.

EVERYTHING IS IN YOUR HAND BUT I HAVE TOLD YOU THE SOBER TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.

BUT WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AS FAR AS I AM CONCERN, NOBODY IS FEEDING ON YOUR MONEY. AND I AM NOT INTERESTED IN IT. IF NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISPATCHING YOUR ATM CARD, I SHOULDNT HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE ASK YOU A CENT.

SO I AM MAKING IT SUCCINTLY CLEAR THAT I AM NOT AFTER YOUR MONEY

MY DUTY IS TO MAKE SURE THAT THE ATM CARD GETS TO YOU ONCE YOU SENT THE FEE AND THAT IS ALL.

YOU ARE BECOMING TOO PERSONAL AS IF TO SAY YOU ARE PICKING ON ME. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG TO YOU? WRONG?  I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE PUTTING IT ON ME, YOU ARE BECOMING TOO PERSONAL TO MY LIKING.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS TO PICK YOUR ATM CARD AND CASH YOUR FUND.  I DONT WANT YOU TO SEE IT AS IF I AM FORCING YOU AGAINST YOUR WISH. I HAVE TOLD YOU NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION, IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU ARE THINKING ON THE CONTRARY, I AM NOT A PARTY TO IT.  I BELIEVE IN HONEST LIVING, I CAN ACCOUNT FOR ANY CENT I EARN TODAY. I HATE CHEATING AND DIS-HONEST PEOPLE.

THAT I AM WORKING IN THE FINANCE HOUSE DOES NOT MEAN THAT I SHOULD SOIL MY HANDS IN CORRUPTION.

I HAVE A GOOD FAMILY BACKGROUND, MY FATHER IS A PRIEST AND HE RAISED HIS CHILDREN IN A CHRISTIAN WAY. WHEN I MEAN CHRISTIAN, I MEAN THOSE WITH THE FEAR OF GOD AND WORSHIP HIM IN TRUTH AND SPIRIT.

WHY MUST I CHEAT YOU?  DOES THAT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS?  LOOK THIS WORLD DOES NOT END ON THE PLANET EARTH, AFTER DEATH COME JUDGMENT.

THEREFORE, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD MATTERS.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU IN EVERY OF YOUR HUMAN ENDEVOR.

BARRITER ALEXANDRA TOMS.

Was my face red! It's never a good idea to tick of an FBI agent (or a barrister, or maybe that's his name). I had no choice but to backtrack:

I am so sorry for making you upset! Please accept my apologies! You are being so generous to me and I feel like I don’t deserve it now! You are right, God is watching us. Sometimes I get embarrassed when I’m going to the bathroom. I think, “God is watching me wipe myself!” Then I hurry and try to get it over with and I don’t finish it well. I need new underwear, and money would help provide it.

You are lucky that you have a father. I recently lost mine. I mean really lost him. His hearse took a wrong turn on the way to the cemetery and we haven’t seen it since. We told the driver to use a GPS but I don’t know what happened. Maybe he typed the wrong cemetery in the information line. My father might be buried in some hole I don’t even know! So when your father dies, which I hope won’t be soon, make sure he gets buried in the right hole. What church does your father preach at? I go to the Church of Holy Execration.

But I am sorry for offending you again. Please forgive me so I can have money. I don’t know if you’ve heard but the weatherman says we (Wisconsin) might get a tornado today. If that’s true, I will really need money if my house gets blown over.

I’m glad you’re not disputing my assertion. How do I get my money?

PS: Can your father say a prayer for me and my money?

Fortunately, Agent Toms wasn't a guy to hold a grudge:

From: Barrister Alexandra Toms

Director- General, ATM Card Payment.

Federal Republic of Nigeria

Central District Area, Lagos

Dear Kevin Kusinitz,

We are happy to inform you that our legal department has concluded authentication of your compensated claim, Credit control unit allocated foreign exchange for your payment and you have finally been approved for payment. We have also completed all paper works for the transfer of your ATM Card totaled $850,000.00 and the pin to access it.

Your details were received in respect to the shipping of your package. We will be sending your ATM Card via FedEx Courier Service upon the receipt of the shipping fees of $135 with 100% no extra charge or hidden fees involved.

Below are the list FedEx Tracking Number of those who previously received there payment;

NAME: A.ANDY; FedEx Tracking no.: 875777478384 (www.fedex.com)

NAME: R.HAMMOND; FedEx Tracking no.:  875777478373 (www.fedex.com)

We guarantee delivery of package to reach you by 48 working hours after payment has been received and we want you to stop communication with any other person claiming to release payment to you. Please be warned!

In order to pay for the shipping of your package you are to make payment via Western Union or Money Gram in the name of our Financial Controller stated below;

Payment Information;

Receiver's Name: Peter Ali

Receiver's Address: Lagos, Nigeria

City:  Lagos

Zip code: 23401

Test Question: Purpose?

Test Answer: Services.

Amount: $135

After making payment, do provide us with the following information as evidence of payment as written on the western union or money gram payment receipt.

You have to fill everything below as soon as you make the payment and a scan copy of the payment slip.

Senders Name:?

Senders Address:?

MTCN# (10 digit Western Union) or if Money Gram 8 digits:

Amount Sent:

Indicate if Western Union or Money Gram:

You are advised to make it known to us when we shall be receiving the confirmation of your payment receipt so that we will arrange for the shipping of your Parcel immediately.

 We expect your feedback as soon as possible.

 Thanks and remain blessed.

Sincerely,

Barrister Alexandra Toms.

Director- General, ATM Card Payment.

And just as things were going so well, came tragedy:

 

OMG! Bad news! Remember that tornado I warned you about? It hit! I'm all right. I hid in my basement with cans of soup and tuna fish. (Remember I told you I like lunch? Tuna sandwiches!) The rest of the house is gone, except for the tuna fish. And soup. But I'm alive! But our electricity is out, even at the bank, so no ATM's to deposit the ATM card. But they said I can deposit a check. Can you send a check instead? (I have wireless, that's how I'm sending this to you, in case you think I'm lying, which I'm not.)

You can sense Agent Toms' concern in his reply:

Your mail is well noted to us and all we want to know from you is how do you want to receive your money.

Barrister Alexandra Toms

  
Man, you'd think he could've been a little more empathetic. I gave him what-for:

I just lost my house and bank from a tornado, and all you can say is my letter is well noted to you? What does that mean? Don’t you care about me? All I’ve got is soup and tunafish! Why don’t you tell me you’re sorry for the tornado? It seems like you don’t care about me!

You said your father was a priest. Didn’t he tell you to care for your fellow man? I swear by your God that I have the money to send you, but I want to see a picture of your father dressed as a priest first. I want to know if he’s praying for me and my soup and tunafish.

Send me a picture of  your father the priest and I’ll give you my money and address. But I’m keeping the soup and tunafish. I swear by your God.

I guess Barrister Alexandra Toms his own problems to deal with, for I never heard from him again