SCAM #27: AMBASSADOR JAMES F. ENTWISTLE

 Judging by the capital letters and strange syntax, I'm thinking this was one of the first Nigerian scams which finally made its way to me now. Nah -- it's from an idiot.

From: U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA <private01718@yahoo.co.jp>
Date: Tue, Aug 26, 2014 at 1:42 PM
Subject: U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA
To:

U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA
PLOT 1075 DIPLOMATIC  DRIVE

CENTRAL DISTRICT AREA, ABUJA
PHONE: PHONE: Tel; +2348122422012

DEAR: SIR/ MADAM,

AFTER AN OFFICIAL MEETING HELD WITH THE PRESIDENT OF NIGERIA AND
MINISTER OF FINANCE CONCERNING UNPAID AND UNCLAIMED FUNDS TO FOREIGN
BENEFICIARIES,JUST LIKE YOU.I WAS VERY MUCH ANNOYED WHEN I FOUND OUT
THAT YOU PAID MUCH MONEY YET YOU NEVER RECEIVE YOUR FUNDS.THAT IS WHY
I DECIDED TO HELP YOU.

I SHALL BE COMING TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR AN OFFICIAL MEETING AND I WILL
BE BRINGING YOUR FUNDS OF $15.5 MILLION ALONG WITH ME THROUGH UNITED
STATES DIPLOMATIC MISSION TO YOUR COUNTRY.BUT THIS TIME I WILL NOT GO
THROUGH CUSTOMS BECAUSE AS AN USA AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA, I AM A USA
GOVERNMENT AGENT AND I HAVE THE VETO POWER TO GO THROUGH CUSTOMS.JUST
LIKE I HELPED R. BLACKWALL IN ERLANGER, KY
USA AND OTHER RECEIVED HIS FUNDS THROUGH FEDEX DELIVERY SERVICE THIS
YEAR 2014. TRACK THE BELOW AND SEE IT YOURSELF:

1.)FedEx.com
Tracking No: 797524131428

2)FedEx.com
Tracking No: 395659915113418


MAKE SURE YOU TRACK IT FIRST.AND AS SOON AS I AM THROUGH WITH THE
MEETING I SHALL THEN PROCEED TO YOUR HOME..(SEND YOUR INFORMATION:

1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. CELL PHONE NUMBER
3. ADDRESS WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BRING THE PACKAGE).

YOU HAVE REALLY PAID SO MUCH IN THAT TRANSACTION  THAT MAKES ME
WONDER. YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY PERSON BECAUSE I SHALL BE BRINGING IT
MYSELF AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT.YOUR PACKAGE ($15.5
MILLION) MUST BE REGISTERED AS AN AMBASSADORIAL PACKAGE FOR ME TO
DEFEAT ALL ODDS AND THE COST OF REGISTERING IT IS $105.THE FEE MUST BE
PAID IN THE NEXT 50 HOURS VIA WESTERN UNION SO THAT ALL NECESSARY
ARRANGEMENT CAN BE MADE BEFORE TIME WILL BE AGAINST US.
SEND THE FEE VIA MONEY GRAM OR WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.

RECEIVER'S NAME: Emmanuel Okafor
ADDRESS: LAGOS , NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION:IN GOD?
ANSWER:WE TRUST?
AMOUNT:$105

AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE FEE MAKE SURE YOU SEND ME THE PAYMENT
INFORMATION.I SHALL YOU MY FLIGHT SCHEDULE TO YOU.PLEASE GO THROUGH MY
WEBSITE AND READ BIOGRAPHY:

http://nigeria.usembassy.gov/biography.html

MY FLIGHT IS ON THURSDAY AND I EXPECT YOU TO COMPLY BEFORE THEN SO
THAT THE DELIVERY CAN BE COMPLETED. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, THEN IT WILL
NOT BE MY FAULT IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE YOUR PACKAGE EMAIL ME AT:
(usambassadortonigg00001@gmail.com)

U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA
AMBASSADOR JAMES F. ENTWISTLE
PHONE: Tel; +2348122422012

 The genuine FedEx tracking numbers were a new twist, I give him that. I played it a little straighter than usual in my reply:

 Dear Ambassadortonigg00001,

You know, I was afraid this was one of those Nigerian scams, because you're in Nigeria, right? So I double-checked those FedEx numbers and, by gosh, you were on the level. Finally, some unearned money that's really really real!

Normally, I don't reply to these emails, but I'm making an exception this time because I know for sure you're telling the really real truth.

NAME: Chester Hooten
PHONE NUMBER: 212-384-1000
ADDRESS: 26 Federal Plaza, New York, NY

I've got the $105 waiting for you. If I may make a suggestion, however -- next time, STOP WITH THE CAPITAL LETTERS. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE YELLING. You want to be my friend, don't you?

Chester Hooten

 I hope he didn't recognize the number and address of the FBI's New York branch office before calling. I don't think I'll be hearing from him.

                                                        ******************

SCAM #26: CHRISTINE LAGARDE/MR. IBRAHIM DANGWOBE

 Another scammer looking out for the scammed by scamming them:

Christine Lagarde <christinelagarde0014@gmail.com>;

International Monetary Fund
Office of the Registrar
IMF Administrative Tribunal
700 19th Street, NW, Suite HQ1-3-544
Washington, DC 20431, USA


Attn: Sir/ madam
This email is directed to all the people who have been scammed in any part of the world,and these includes  foreign contractors, Inheritance beneficiaries and lottery winners  who  have not received their payment , and also people who have had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems or fraudulent government/ bank  officials in Nigeria and other African countries .

A compensation payment of $3 million has been approved on your behalf by the United nations and world bank.
You are by this notice advised to contact the ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION to Nigeria for the dispatch of a cashier check of $3 million in your name.
Find below the name and email address of the contact person.
Name of contact person : MR.IBRAHIM DANGWOBE ,ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION
email address :ibrahimdangwobe141@gmail.com
You should cooperate with him and send to him a stamp duty fee of $100 to enable him deliver the  cashier check to you without any huddle
Your urgent response is expected in this matter.

Yours Faithfully,
Christine Lagarde


"Without any huddle?" Good, I don't like playing football. I sent my response urgently:

To ibrahimdangwobe141@gmail.com

Aug 19 at 2:47 PM

Dang, that's some dang name, Dangwobe! God dang! Did you know your first name is the same as President Ibrahim Lincoln? You must be related!

I play the lottery here all the time and never win shit. But somehow I hit the jackpot in Africa. What's up with that? I didn't even play there. I buy lottery tickets at 7-11. Do they have 7-11 in Africa? Or would that be called something else in African? What is African for 7-11?

I would like my 3 million dollars as soon as possible. The lady said I needed to send you a $100 stamp. Where do I find that? I don't know if my post office sells those. But let me know and give me your address. I am ready to collect my winnings!

Was it Lotto or Powerball?

Chester Hooten

Looks like Dangwobe isn't fond of urgent responses, because I've yet to hear from him. Hypocrite!

                                          ********************** 

SCAM #25: MR. BANK KI-MOON/REV. LISA NDU

Let's face it, the world is going to hell. So you can imagine how special I felt when the Secretary General of the UN took the time to get in touch with me:


FROM THE DESK OF MR. BAN KI-MOON

SECRETARY GENERAL UNITED NATIONS NEW YORK

Attention: Beneficiary.

Your ATM Card Contract Fund Payment From United Nations

This is to let you know that we received a payment credit instruction from the Federal Reserve Bank New York and Federal Government of Togo in West Africa to pay you with your full inheritance fund sum of us$8.5million from the Federal Reserve account with our office. We have been having series of meetings for the past 1 month now which ended 2days ago with the Togolese Government, HSBC Bank of United Kingdom (UK) with the World Bank Officials. This email is for all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the United Nations,HSBC Bank of United Kingdom (UK) Reserve Bank of Togo in West Africa, with the World Bank officials have agreed to compensate them with the sum of Eight Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars each victim.

This includes every foreign contractor that may have not received his or her contract sum and people that had an unfinished transaction, people who have inheritance to claim or international businesses that failed due to inability of Government in some part of World.

It is my pleasure to inform you that ATM Visa Card has been approved in your favor, The ATM Card Value is $8,500,000 USD (Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand, USD Only) You are advised that a value of $20,000.00 USD is permitted for withdrawal per day and are duly Inter Switch so you can make withdrawal at any ATM locate Center of your choice around the world. However what is required of you is to contact the delivery agent through her email address as stated below for the immediate delivery of your ATM card.

Rev Mrs. Lisa Ndu

Email:   lisandu1970@gmail.com

Now you are therefore you are required to contact our Delivery Department through the email above within the next 48hrs.

Your immediate response is highly needed to enable our delivery department complete your delivery to your address immediately.

Thanks for your understanding while we looking forward to serve you better.

Congratulations on your inheritance fund.

Thanks and God bless you.

Best Regards,

Mr. Ban Ki-Moon

Secretary General United Nations New York.

In my excitement, I neglected to note that I was replying to a different person, so I wound up addressing my email to the Secretary General:

Dear Mr. Moon,

So you're the man in the moon I've hearing about all my life, LOL! Seriously, that kind of jack sounds mighty good to me! 20,000 a day? That buys a lotta hookers, don't it? Or maybe one REAL GOOD hooker! Frankly, I'd put that money to better use than those people in Africa, who just live in the woods or something, right?

So what do I have to do to get my hands on all that money? I'm mighty horny

Chester "Horny" Hooten

I was afraid that mistake would cost me my rightful fortune. Fortunately, the UN is a forgiving institution: 

Attention: Chester Hooten

It is my pleasure to inform you that i got your message and all the
content was well understood.  I write to confirm to you that you’re
international Visa ATM card is here with us for immediately delivery
to you, I have been waiting to hear from you as to direct me on how to
send your atm loaded with your money card to you.

There was a meeting about your inheritance and the United Nations
agreed with all other concerned authorities to pay you the sum of
US$8,500,000.00 for all your past efforts and attempts to complete
your transaction that never went through.

You are advised to stop every other communications you are having with
any other person or company or banks about any transaction that
concern the receipt of this your money.

However you are required to reconfirm your details as stated below.

FULL RECEIVER’S NAME:....................................
AGE:.........................................
RECEIVER’S ADDRESS:...............................
CITY:………………………………………………….
STATE:……………………………………………………..
ZIP CODE:……………………………………………………
DIRECT PHONE:.....................
OCCUPATION:..........................
COUNTRY :................................
SCANNED COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION CARD..... FOR CONFIRMATION OF IDENTITY.


Get back to me as soon as possible with the required information, so
that we can complete the delivery process immediately, this is my
direct number is +22898215666

Thanks and my regards to your family.

Remain bless.
Mrs. Lisa Ndu

 That paragraph about keeping my bank in the dark should certainly be a tip-off to the greediest of the greedy. Even Chester Hooten, of all people, needed an explanation:

This is getting pretty darned exciting! I agree that the United Nations owes me 8 million smackers for all the grief they've brought me, and this is more than enough of "I'm sorry."

But I have one, just one question. My bank is going to notice that I'm going to be using their ATM a whole hell of a lot. Shouldn't I let them know that it's perfectly alright, it's only the biggest VISA card in the world? 

I guess current events proved to be more important than a VISA card, because Mrs. Ndu stopped all communications. If only I hadn't been so nosy. 

                                                         ***************** 

SCAM #24: JAMES B. COMEY

 From the "sir/madam" to delivering the check to me "without any huddle," this is the most inept scam I've received so far. Oh, and let's not forget that the head of the FBI's email address is a Ugandan domain:

James B. Comey <test1@utl.co.ug>

 FBI  HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON , D C.
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE ,
NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Attn: sir/madam


I wish to inform you that we  have been holding series of meeting with representatives from IMF , United nations and world bank.
It was unanimously agreed that 15 individuals  be given a compensation compensation of $3.00 million in form of cashier check due to  unfinished contract, inheritance payment  they have in Nigeria or loss incurred from Scam.
Other beneficiaries have already receive theirs .
You are the only one whose  cashier check is still undelivered.
You are by this notice advised to contact MR.IBRAHIM DANGWOBE ,ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION via the email address ibrahimdagwobe414@gmail.com  for the delivery of your cashier check .You should cooperate with him and send to him a stamp duty fee of $250 to enable him deliver the  cashier check to you without any huddle.
Thank you for listening to our advice .

Faithfully Yours,
James B. Comey
FBI DIRECTOR

If I were to listen to his advice, I'd be an even bigger idiot than the, well, idiot who sent this. Still, I felt obliged to reply -- and even offer my heartiest felicitations:

Dear Mr. Dagwobe:

First of all, allow me to congratulate Nigeria on advancing to round 16 of the World Cup. I'm sure that you and your fellow sports fans are proud of a group of grown men who make a living kicking a ball around a field. Who needs a good education, right? From what I read in the papers, your Islamist terrorists don't have much use for education, and they're making some pretty serious headway your way!

Giving you, a total stranger, $250 in exchange for $3.00 million is surely a good deal no matter where you stand. Or sit, like I am now. I don't think anybody stands while sending an email, unless they're really tall and prefer to put the computer on top of the refrigerator. Do you have refrigerators in Nigeria? Pretty hot there! Where else would you store your giraffe pate? 

So what's your address? Let's get this deal cooking, before the terrorists blow up what's left of your country.

Chester Hooten 

Mr. Dagwobe must have fallen victim to the terrorists, because he never replied. Either that, or he choked to death on his giraffe pate.

                                                    *******************
  

 

SCAM #23: MR. GEORGE SMITH

This guy was so excited to offer me a low-interest loan that he neglected to remember basic grammar, punctuation, and syntax skills:

From: MR. GEORGE SMITH <no_reply@bezeqint.net>
Date: Wed, Jun 25, 2014 at 6:42 AM
Subject: Re: USA LOAN
To:

I am Mr George E. Smith Executive director in the USA in California, We offer Legitimate Loans without collateral at the low interest rate of 2% with maximum guarantee and assurance.If you are in need of a loan, We will like you to let Us

know how much you need as loan in your next email so that i can provide you Our loan conditions for the swift processing of your application immediately.You can apply and get your loan same day if you are in the States,We await you,it is

cheaper and convenient for you..One America One Love.

BORROWERS INFORMATION

(1) Name:

(2) Address

(3) Sex & Age:

(4) Amount Needed

(5) Loan Duration:

(6) Monthly Income

(7) Valid Telephone/Fax

(8) Purpose of seeking Loan:

(9) Profession:

Please send your details to: carrington11th@gmail.com

Best Regards,

Mr.George E. Smith 

No need for formalities; I got right down to business:

(1) Name: Chester Hooten

(2) Address  948 Alpaca Drive

(3) Sex & Age: Not enough & 45

(4) Amount Needed $5,000

(5) Loan Duration: Forever

(6) Monthly Income  If I had an income, I wouldn't be asking for a loan, you stupid SOB.

(7) Valid Telephone/Fax  They shut off my telephone

(8) Purpose of seeking Loan:  Prostitutes. Lots of prostitutes

(9) Profession: Manager, Hooten's Flea Circus

Let's get cracking on this, George. I need some action, pronto.

Chester Hooten 

Man, I wish I had a phone. Maybe he would have replied. Or was it that "stupid SOB" crack?

                                                  *************** 

SCAM #22: MR. GEORGE ROLANDO

 I've never heard of bank directors "treading" money; good thing I received this email so I could learn about this apparently dastardly bit of business:

From: bezeqint.net <No_reply@bezeqint.net>
Date: Tue, Jun 24, 2014 at 12:18 PM
Subject: RE: THANKS
To:

I am Mr. George Rolando, I am an international fund payment manager with the Barclays Bank London, I took my time to go through your fund payment and found out that your payment was delayed and invested in a high Interest Fund Placement by the then directors.

You will find it very difficult to believe that these directors has been making money with your funds, treading with it since they have frustrated you and pushed your funds into a high interest fund placement program.

I can help you receive your funds in United States of America, this is what am good at, am an expert payment manager and top ranking AA with the European & American Banks holding a top payouts record.

I will start by paying you the resent interest made (US$6 000 000) then we will take about getting the deposited total sum of US$40 Million recalled and transferred to you.

I will have your US$6 000 000 Million transferred into a local Bank in United States of America and then fly down to have it transferred into your account locally.

Do get back to me so that I can start immediately.

Mr. George Rolando.

International Fund Manager

Rolando Legal Services & Partners

Office 26-28 Underwood Street London N1 7JQ

Tel: +447031999822

E-mail: george.rolandoinbox@gmail.com

 As requested, I got back to this far-too-humble fellow immediately:

Well, gee, what are you thanking ME for? I should be down on my knees thanking YOU! I had no idea somebody was playing "easy as it goes" with my 6 million smackers. I had no idea I had 6 million smackers, period! So they're treading with my funds, hunh? I'd like to see them treading in shark invested waters instead.

I don't know who you are or how you found me, but I just want to thank you from the bottom of my blitz to the top of my topiary for alerting me to this fraudster bankster guy. Now how are you going to get me the resent interest made? I'll take it tens and twenties, if that's possible. I don't know how many you'd need to make 6 million goobers, but I've got some space in my living room. Get in touch, George! I'm waiting!

Chester Hooten

 And I'm still waiting. Guess I should've asked for a check instead.

                                                ****************

 

SCAM #21: MR. JAMES DAMON CEO

Well, somebody realized that the James Dimon email (scam #10) had run its course. So what better way than changing one letter of his name in order to grab my attention? It's remarkable that the head of Chase works out of a sleepy suburban bank. Note the bank's email address, too -- it doesn't get more professional than that:


From: Bank <rwrrwrrwrrw@hotmail.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2014 at 12:01 AM
Subject: From JP Morgan Chase Bank Mr. James Damon CEO 1
To:


From JP Morgan Chase Bank
Mr. James Damon CEO
Address: 2469 Hemp stead Turnpike
East Meadow, NY 11554-1155
DATE: 6 / 17 / 2014

Attn: Beneficiary,

The United States of America Co-operation  Management in Conjunction with United Nation  Worldwide are pleased to inform you that you are  Among the 10 Winners of our Annual Year Lotto  Lottery Conducted in the United Sates of America  held on 10th of Jun 2014. Your Email Address  Email was Attached to with Serial Number S/N-00221  and Consequently Won in the First Lucky 10 Winner's  Lottery Category.

You are therefore been Approved to claim the Sum of  Usd$5,000.000.00 only (Five Million United States  Dollars) only payable in wire Transfer from Jp  Morgan Chase Bank New York City 2469 Hemp stead  Turnpike East Meadow, NY 11554-1155 Be informed  that every arrangement regarding your payment  through Telegraphic Wire Banking transfer has been  made by our management.

You will have to re-confirm your full information  which will be used to set up the account on your  name here in the JP Morgan Chase Bank New York 2469  Hemp stead Turnpike East Meadow, NY 11554-1155  Full Names:Your Complete Address:Scan copy of your personal identification Direct Telephone Number:Mobile Number:Present Occupation: NOTE: That you are requested to claim your prize  without any further delay if interested.

Thanks for your Co-operation.

Mr. James Damon CEO
Address: 2469 Hemp stead Turnpike
East Meadow, NY 11554-1155
E-mail: jamesdimon88999@gmail.com

Capitalizing on the sentiment prevalent in the heartland, I decided to go the Tea Party route:

Dear Mr. JP Morgan Chase Bank Mr. James Damon CEO 1,

Well it's about time that goddamn United Nations did something for me! I'd say they owe me more than five million bucks for all the crap they dish out to the world. Did they ever do anything for anybody except make laws and tell us what to do? Hell no! As far as I'm concerned, they should give five million to everybody! They got the dough. Hey here's a joke. What's the difference between the UN and a steaming pile of shit? Answer: NOTHING! HAHAHA!

I want their money. What do I have to do to get it? I want it want it WANT IT.

Chester Hooten

Too much? Apparently so. No reply, no five million from that goddamn United Nations.

                                                  ****************