SCAM #20: MS. CHRISTINE CHURCHILL

Unlike other scammails I've received, this one came "attention to" me, getting past my spam folder and straight into my inbox. As usual, the grammar, punctuation, and syntax were just a little off:

Customs Service (U.S.) Washington, D.C.

US-CustomsService-Seal.svg

 This is to inform you that  it has come to conclusion by the heads of this organization to return a parcel on your name and address containing An ATM card from the HSBC bank In UK London after serial of reports by the senders (FEDEX COURIER SERVICE)/MS.IFEOMA ONYEME/CBN/UNITED NATION about your inability to obtain the clearance Tag which cost only the sum of 520 Euro to insure the legality of the parcel, You are therefore advised to get back to us today regarding your reluctance to this effect because we have just 78 working hours to return the parcel as instructed by the FBI(WASHINGTON DC) if we do not hear back from you within the hours given.

Yours Sincerely,

Ms.Christine Churchill.
Email (mschristinechurchill@hotmail. com)

Who knew Hotmail is the official email service of the U.S. government? I forwarded Ms. Churchill's message to my other, scam-only email address that uses my nom-de-spam Chester Hooten, knowing full well it didn't matter to the scammers who or where the reply came from. I used a different tact this time, as you'll see -- partly to amuse myself, partly to see if they would take the bait:

Boy, am I glad that this is a holiday and I was home to get your email! 78 hours isn't much hours, is it? An ATM card for me? I don't even have a checking account -- I cash my paycheck at the Stan & Ollie's Liquor Palace down the block. Having an ATM card would do me some good, yes sir it would alright. Can you tell me how much money is on the ATM card? I want to get my hands on it ASAP. The FBI has enough money, they don't need mine godammit do they? Pardon my language, I just got back from Stan & Ollie they are open now so I went to celebrate even tho it is holiday here and i had something to drink well maybe two and i am still having a little drink please tell me what to do i will do anything you want.

my name chester hooten

Quick question: would you take this person seriously? Or would you think he was the perfect patsy? Well, we know what Ms. Churchill thinks:

Customs Service (U.S.) Washington, D.C.

US-CustomsService-Seal.svg
Attn:  Chester Hooten
 
        Thanks for your email,It may interest you to know that the parcel here says on the attached documents that it is an ATM card with the back up documents on your name as a compensation payment of US$1Million from the Federal Government of Nigeria (FGN) which has long due for payment.

There is no way we can send the parcel on to you without the confirmation of the needed fees which is 520 Euro only and the fees covers both the shipping and clearing charges of the parcel to your address in United States Of America.

Therefore,You are advised to get back to us so that we can let you know where to send the fees to enable us ship the parcel to your address in United States Of America,Also try and reconfirm your address with a working phone number to reach you while getting back to us.

I will also update the FBI on your respond to our email letter hence they have asked for all the updates to make sure all goes well.

Yours Sincerely,

Ms.Christine Churchill.
Email (mschristinechurchill@hotmail. com) 

It's remarkable how Ms. Churchill writes like everybody who wants to give me money from Nigeria; or, rather, who wants to take my money and give it to a Nigerian. But that's not what I wanted to tell her:

Hi there! You sure got back to me fast fast fast! And that's how fast I want that one million dollars! But my father always told me never to give my address and phone number out to someone I didn't know. He's dead now but I feel his presence telling me to get your name and address, but not for a date! If you could send me a picture of your ID, I would be happy to give you my information. And if I have a million, maybe you would like to date me after all! I'll be RICH. I know women like rich men, they all do, and I know you're pretty because you have a pretty name so send me your ID so I can trust you and I'll give you all the information you want.

Chester "I am rich" Hooten 

Such a simple request -- and yet denied once more. How difficult is it to throw together a phony ID?

                                            ******************** 

  

SCAM #19: ZAO LIN

After so many dead-end correspondences from scammers, it was nice to hear from someone who was a sucker for my idiot routine: Zao Lin <creas@esteio.rs.gov.br>

Hello,
      Compliment of the day to you. My name is Zao Lin Business Relationship Manager with the Agricultural Bank of China in Hong Kong, I have a Business  proposal for you.Please respond to my email so i can give you more information.(zaolin5678@qq.com)

Best Regards,
Zao Lin

 I'm always interested in business proposals, especially from total strangers several thousand miles away. I quickly replied:

Hello, Zao, whaddaya know? I am mighty glad you got in touch with me, my Sino friend. You Chinese peoples are getting mighty good at business.  I'm not really what you'd call a businessman myself, unless you call shoveling horseshit in the glue factory down the road a business. I always think it's funny that there's a picture of a bull on those glue bottles when it's made out of horse hoofs. That's the difference between us peoples. You eat horses, we use them for glue. Weird!

So let me know what you have in mind. I'm ready to throw down my shovel for good.

Chester Hooten

PS: Let me know if you ever need some glue. We get it at a discount.

Zao didn't seem interested in my offer, perhaps because his was so much better:

Apr 22 at 5:24 AM

Hello and Good day to you.

Thank you for your response to my message. I have been hoping for your response.

I am Mr. Zao Lin; I work as a Business Relationship Manager with the Agricultural Bank of China in Hong Kong. I have decided to contact you regarding the estate of a deceased client with a similar last name and an investment placed under our banks management many years ago. I hope I have not embarrassed you as I got your name from our Chamber of Commerce Directory. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I contact you independently and no one is informed of this communication. In 2005 the deceased; Mr. Thomas Hooten came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our private banking division. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of $ 22.350 million (Twenty Two Million Three Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States dollars) which he wished to have us invest on his behalf.

Based on my advice, we spun the money around various opportunities and made attractive margins for our first months of operation, the accrued profit and interest stood at this point at over $ 1.8 million United States Dollars. In mid-2006, he instructed that the principal sum ($ 22.350M) be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in Hong Kong. We got in touch with a specialist bank in Hong Kong, Ping an Bank who agreed to receive this money for a fee and make funds available to Mr. Thomas. However Ping an Bank got in touch with us last year that this money has not been claimed. On further enquiries we found out that Mr. Thomas was involved in an accident in Mainland China, which means he died intestate. He has no next of kin and the reason I am writing you is because you both share the same last names.

What I propose is that since I have exclusive access to his file, you will be made the beneficiary of these funds. My bank will contact you informing you that money has been willed to you. On verification, which will be the details I make available to my bank, my bank will instruct Ping an Bank to make payments to you. You do not have to have known him. I know this might be a bit heavy for you but please trust me on this. For all your troubles I propose that we split the money in half. In the banking circle this happens every time. The other option is that the money will revert back to the state. Nobody is getting hurt; this is a lifetime opportunity for us. I would want us to keep communication for now strictly by this email.

Please, again, note I am a family man; I have a wife and children. I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should act swiftly on this. Please get back to me immediately via the telephone, fax number or email address below and let me know if you intend to assist or not. If you also do not want to be involved kindly let me know so I would sever further communication with you.

I await your response.

Respectfully,
Zao

Whoa! Thomas Hooten -- a guy with the same last name as my fictional character -- just happened to die in China! What are the odds? I had to give Zo a background story:

Yo Zao,

Thomas Hooten was my great uncle third removed on my step-grandfather's side! We always wondered what happened to him. One day, he went out to get some tapioca and a carton of Chesterfields, and never came home. If you ever met his wife, you'd know why. Ugly as a hassock, that woman was, with the intelligence of a doorjamb. I'm glad the guy got out of there when he did. He always did like Chinese food, so I'm not surprised he wound up in The Land of Chicken Chow Mein.

As for your proposal -- I'll take half of anything offered to me! And half of his fortune is a pretty damn big half, alright alright alright! Let me know what to do so I can start counting that vo-de-o-dough. By the way, I trust you 105% to give me what's rightfully mine. You have a name I can trust.

Your pal,
Chester Hooten (the almost-millionaire)

Just a glance at his reply told me he was hooked. And I knew he actually read my previous message in its entirety because he referenced it in the first paragraph. (If you don't want to plow through the entire email, it boils down to this: Zo has the money, he wants all my personal information. We need to act with honor and courage. And it's all on the up and up):

Hello & Greetings of the day to you,

I thank you for taking out time to promptly respond to my e-mail. I admire the fact that you know a bit about one of our special delicacies.

Like I have indicated in my email to you, I urge that you keep every detail of this intended business to yourself as I still work for the bank. Even after the successful completion, details have to be kept discreet for the sake of the future. Let me use this opportunity to reassure you that this project is 100% legal, safe and risk free. Please know that only trust is the basic foundation for the success of this project as I do not know you nor do you know me.

 I have taken my time to outline details of this pending transaction of ours, and I need you to please study carefully and respond back with the required details(Just as a reconfirmation of what I already have), as this will enable me go ahead to have a local solicitor here begin to prepare the required paperwork for the release of the funds in question. The uniqueness of your name has made it possible for us to come together and carry out this pending business transaction with a view to sharing some decent money. I have had to take time to outline the stages so I can have you understand clearly the picture of this transaction. I want you to carefully study this email and reconfirm the details required so I can subsequently provide you with the required documentation that show proof of the deceased's funds.

ABOUT THE TRANSACTION

Like I explained to you in my letter, the funds are funds belonging to the mentioned and I was in charge of his account while he was alive. I facilitated his transaction with the named Bank. Until his death he had no next of kin as he obviously did not envisage he was going to die soon. It is for this reason I have contacted you because you share the same last name with him and you would be able to assist me in receiving the funds after which we will share the proceeds equally once the transaction is complete. Note that my bank had mandated me with the responsibility of finding his next of kin and I have chosen you as the beneficiary as he left no next of kin when filling his account opening form years ago. By virtue of my position I have the authority to say who the right inheritor is and nobody can question my submission as I have decades of banking experience and I know the rules like the back of my hand and moreover I have been given that responsibility. It is important to note that if we do not act fast and claim these funds, it would be confiscated by the Chinese Government. In these harsh economic times one cannot throw away an opportunity like this as it may never come again. We need to show courage and determination in order to achieve success in this transaction. We are not to be seen as two people who have any pre-knowledge of one another or be seen to be having these conversations with each other. My only official knowledge of you should be seen to be the fact that your names and address were stated in documents which he had attested to as his next of kin.

WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

At this stage I have exclusive access to the files of the deceased and I will be instructing a local solicitor here whom I have initially contacted to prepare all the documents in your name i.e. Affidavit of testament of WILL including probate letters stating you as beneficiary as well as next of kin and sole executor to his estate (which includes cash). This will then be put in his file and presented to my bank for verification and immediate action. Based on my ground work, the funds transfer to you will be approved and then authorization given to the holding Bank to make payment to you. The solicitor that is going to prepare the documents does not know the full details of the transaction as I have only informed him that I am helping a deceased client's relative to pursue release of inheritance that is due to him. He has charged me a huge amount for his services and I intend to pay it so he can immediately prepare these documents and we can have this transaction commence without any further delays. I need you to follow and adhere to my every instruction and do exactly as I will advise for success to be gained. You must let me direct this project for us to achieved the step by step anticipated procedures to ensure success. This is not negotiable my friend as we go into partnership. It is when there is no leadership and no meeting of minds that there are problems in partnership like this.

Everything is going to be done in sequence and I will imagine that the whole process should take about 4 weeks before money will be in your possession. Please this is very important and your total commitment is what is desired.

At this stage I will welcome any questions you have to ask so you understand the transaction to its fullest. We are going to take this matter on a step-by-step basis. However something that I must point out to you at this stage is that there is no wrong on your part. At the end of the day it is the bank that will be contacting you to inform you that money has been left for you, or similarly, if you contact the bank, they are the ones who will do their ground work, and then confirm that you are the right inheritor so you are doing absolutely nothing wrong or taking any risk as I solely bear all the risks. The only person who could have disputed this is long gone. You must understand why there must be serious confidentiality about this whole process as that is why I decided to contact you.

The payment institution is a specialist bank, which deals with high net worth individuals and giant corporations. I have my contact there to make sure that nothing goes wrong. As soon as my bank has gone through all formalities with verification of document I put in file, they will instruct them to make payment to you.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

You shall be required to reconfirm to me with some important details i.e. the following details from you is needed for the the preparation of all legal claims documents and the documentation process has to contain your correct and exact details as you want it in the documentation. As soon as I have made the necessary amendments, you become the legal beneficiary and the bank will be liable to make payment to you after due verification.

The information I need are follows; Full Names as shown on most valid mode of identification so as not to contradict those will be reflected on the legal claims documents to be prepared, Address, telephone and Fax Number. I do have your address but simply need you to re-send this as a means of reconfirmation as a matter of precautionary protocol.

It is important you provide a complete information of yourself as they might contact you using any of these media and this is what the local solicitor is going to use to prepare the documents. He has assured me that the documents would be ready in less than 48-72 hours and once it is ready I would send copies to you via email attachment or fax. I would give you more details of the deceased in my next correspondence with you once I have received the required details.

I look forward to your immediate response.

Respectfully & With Honor,
Zao

Now was the time to play chicken (and not chow mein):

A double greetings to you!

Well, this is all coming together very nicely. I'm glad I have the same last name as a dead multimillionaire. Otherwise, you wouldn't have gotten in touch with me. Who says death is a bad thing? Well, maybe for the person who died, but not me (at least in this case). No way I want the Chinese government to take the money that is rightfully mine to steal. 

You know, at first I was afraid that this whole thing was what we Americans call a hoax (pronounced "hoxe", not "ho-ax," which is what a hooker used to kill the guys who don't pay up). The name Ping an Bank sounded like "piggy bank", which made me question how solid this thing was. But I looked it up on the internet thing and there it was! It says "embraces a brand-new future", which is what I'm going to do once I get my hands on that money. By the way, is it in dollars or yen or whatever it is you people spend on Levis and Barbie dolls?

But still -- and please don't take offense, because I know you signed "respectfully" on your last email -- I still can't be sure you are who you are. Before I give you my information, can you email some kind of identification, like a copy of your bicycle license? In the USA, bicycle licenses are the best form of ID, other than stool sample. (You can't email me a stool sample, can you?) So I would trust a bicycle license.

Hope to hear from you soon, my new friend Zao. Just make sure you send a copy of your bicycle license, then we can do business like we do in the USA. Just ask Bernie Madoff.

Chester Hooten, the luckiest guy in the world.

Usually scammers make an effort to provide a semiofficial-looking ID when asked. Not this guy -- perhaps because he might have smelled a rat, as he implies in the third paragraph:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your prompt correspondence.

I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your e-mail and also to let you know that there is absolutely nothing to be worried about.

I did have a few reservations about the content of your message but decided to let is pass. I do understand that we have no previous knowledge of one another and as such, it is okay for you to be apprehensive.

However, please be informed that in the course of this process, at the point where the funds are to be approved for release to you, you will be given the options of either travelling here personally to witness the entire process in a prefunds release physical endorsement exercise, or having a solicitor represent you in the case that you are not able to make it here in person.

With a view to this, if you have any doubts or reservation, all you need to do at that point is opt to be here in person. What more assurance can there be.

Having said this, please refer back to my previous detailed message if you are interested in partnering with me on this to enable us move on with the necessary as time is indeed of the essence.

I await your soonest correspondence.

Respectfully,

Zao.

It was time to drop the hammer:
 

Dear Mr. Lin:

I assume you're a mister and not a miss; I'm not up on these Chinese names, other than Charlie Chan.

Well, I didn't mean to insult you; I was just a little paranoid, seeing how you, a total stranger from China, wanted all my personal information. But I have good news! Not only am I ready to partake in this financial windfall with you, I'm happy to take you up on your offer of coming to China to witness the transaction! This is going to be the first time I've traveled outside America, so I need to get a passport. Once I get the passport, I'll send you a copy -- that should be good enough right?

Now, I know it takes a while to get a passport... BUT I have an uncle who works for the State Department, and he can speed things up. He even wants to come with me so he can meet you in person. Have you ever met someone who works for the government? I bet not. Well, here's your chance! He's thrown a lot of people in jail, but you don't have to be worried, because you're not a criminal. You just want to help me.

So, Zo, keep my money warm. Pretty soon, we'll be counting our fortune -- and I don't mean cookies!

Yours, mine and ours,
Chester Hooten 

Zo didn't seem to want to meet my uncle, for I never heard from him again. Not a very social guy, I guess.

                                                    ************* 

SCAM #18: TERRI ROBSON

 Luciano Pavarotti -- or, as dubbed by the New York Post, "The Tubby Tenor" -- went to that great opera house in the sky seven years ago. But only now is his dough going to the right people. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the stupidest scam email I've ever received:

From: Terri Robson <olive@dgljp.sinanet.com>
Date: Fri, Mar 14, 2014 at 4:14 AM
Subject: From Terri Robson of Terri Robson Associates Ltd
To:

TERRI ROBSON ASSOCIATES LTD

63-64 Leinster Square,

Paddington, London, W2 4PS

England, United Kingdom

Tel: +44 741 847 8394

Fax: +44 703 198 2295

 

I am Terri Robson of Terri Robson Associates Ltd. I am the Manager of Late Luciano Pavarotti of Italy, based here in London, U.K. I wish to notify you that late Luciano Pavarotti made you beneficiary to the sum of Fifteen Million, Eight Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterling (Ј15,800,000.00) before his death. This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true.

 

Luciano Pavarotti was known for his humanitarian work. He was the founder and the host of the'Pavarotti & Friends' annual charity concerts and related activities in Modena, Italy. There he sang with international Howstars of all styles to raise funds for several worthy UN causes and charity homes. Pavarotti sang with Bono and U2 in the 1995 song Miss Sarajevo and raised $1,500,000 in his charity project 'Concert for Bosnia'.

 

He also established and financed the Pavarotti Music Center in Bosnia, and raised funds in charity concerts for refugees from Afghanistan and for refugees from Kosovo. Pavarotti made two Guinness World Records one was for receiving the most curtain calls at and the other was for the best selling classical album of 'The Three Tenors in Concert' with Placido Domingo and Joseph Carreras.

 

Late Luciano Pavarotti until his death was a very dedicated Christian who loved to give out. His great philanthropy earned him numerous awards during his life time, late Luciano Pavarotti died at the age of 71 years. According to him this money is to support your activities and to help the poor and the needy.

 

Read more about him on this web(http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0667556/bio)

 

Please you should fill the information below for more clarity and identification of you. Reply to this e-mail: trassociatesltd@yahoo.co.uk

 

1. Full Name

2. Mobile Telephone number,

3. Age, Sex

4. Contact address/Country

5. Occupation

 

Yours In Service,

 

Terri Robson

Luciano Pavarotti's Manager.

London - England.

 Sometimes I at least try to put on a serious front, at least in the beginning. But this was too good to pass up without at least one obvious joke in my reply:

To trassociatesltd@yahoo.co.uk

Mar 21 at 5:20 PM

Holy ravioli! Luciano Pavarotti left me 15 million pounds? Isn't that how much he weighed? I'M KIDDING!

Really, I'm honored, shocked and flatulented that Pavarotti remembered me in his will. We met backstage after his concert in Singapore. I had just eaten a dinner of spaghetti & meatballs and I guess he saw a bit of sauce I had on my chin so he demanded to give me any I had left. That guy had an appetite that made Dumbo look like a Somalian orphan!

But before I give you my information -- and believe me I want to get my hands on that money more than Pavarotti would a Hummer-sized cannoli -- why did bucket-butt choose me?

A week has gone by and I've yet to hear from the manager to the stars. Did i say something rude?

                                                ******************* 

SCAM #17: ANONYMOUS ALLEGED IT GUY

Something a little different this time -- a phone call instead of an email. The other day, PRIVATE CALLER gave me a ring. My daughter was asleep, so I was kind enough to answer in order that the extension in her room didn't wake her. I knew it was going to be a scam, and I wasn't disappointed. The call, to the best of my memory, went like this:

ME: Hello?

(Silence on other end.)

ME: (threateningly) Hello? 

INDIAN GUY: Uh, yes, hello. We are calling about you computer.

ME: My computer?

INDIAN GUY: Uh, yes. We have been getting messages that your computer has been infected with a virus and we wanted to clean it for you.

ME: Well, let me give you a message. Fuck off and don't call me again!

I'm sure I'm not the first to request that, but it felt pretty good. I'm almost hoping he calls again so I can repeat my request to him. It's times like this, though, I miss those old landlines where you could slam down the receiver on the guy's ear instead of just gently clicking off.

                                                  ************* 


 

SCAM #16: ROSEMARIE BLUMEN MOLDENHAUER

I finally got the common sense to forward these scams to an email address under a different name, Chester Hooten. I'm honored that so many people around the world trust me to put their money to a good cause when they're dying, even if they never get around to giving it to me:

From: Rosemarie Blumen Moldenhauer
Date: Fri, Dec 13, 2013 at 2:27 AM

Beloved

  I am Mrs Rosemarie Blumen Moldenhauer born in Munich Germany  with e-mail address: ( rosemariemoldenhauer@postino.at ), i have 10 Million Pounds (£ 10,000,000.00 GBP) which I have decided to donate to you and want you to use this money to fund the up keep of widows,widowers, orphans, destitute, the down- trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially.I'm in a hospital in India/Asia now where I have been undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer. I have since lost my ability to talk, and my doctors have told me that I have only a few weeks to live. My husband's family want me dead to acquire this wealth. I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them as they are unbelievers.

 I want these funds to be distributed to CHARITY ORGANIZATIONS. Please, help me Stand-in as the beneficiary to collect the Funds from the security company and distribute to charity. I need honest and trust worthy individual that will utilize this money in accordance with my instruction. I want the funds to be used in funding religious organizations, orphanages and less privileged propagating the word of God. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are very unkind to me and I don't want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my course and I shall hold my peace. Please get back to my private email : rosemariemoldenhauer@postino.at, if you can help me to carry out my dream because right now i am in the sick bed, hope to hear from you.

Sincerely Yours.
Mrs Rosemarie Blumen Moldenhauer
PLEASE REPLY ME ON THIS EMAIL:   rosemariemoldenhauer@postino.at

Never let it be said I'm not understanding, even when it's next to impossible to understand what the heck they're saying. I replied immediately:

Dec 13

Dear Frau Moldenhauer,

In-laws, hunh? What a pain. Instead of waiting for you to just get up and die on your own accord, they want to grease the chute to get it over with that much faster. I can't say that I blame them necessarily, because I can't think of anyone would wouldn't want 10 million smackers. But you're right, there are too many barren woman who need money to... well, whatever it is barren women do when they can't have children, like go on vacations and drink like people who just received 10 million pounds. So it all fits beautifully.

Unlike your husband's family, I know I'm a believer. I believe I'd like to get my hands on that dough and do some good with it. I'm an orphan, so I know I count. Let me know what to do, and I'll get your money to the right people faster than you say veeblefetzer.

Yours in Christie,
Chester Hooten

Unfortunately, she couldn't say anything faster than "veeblefetzer," repeating the whole cancer/husband/rotten in-laws rigamarole before getting down to brass tacks:

Beloved ,

      Thanks for the pain you took to write me, I appreciate it
because it gives me hope.I am Mrs Rosemarie Blumen Moldenhaue a
citizen of Germany, my husband worked with an gold exploration company
in India/Asia for 29 years. Before his death in February 2011
Christchurch earthquake in INDIA,He deposited the sum of £
10,000,000.00 GBP with a Latin Allied Security and Financial
Company,The Fund Was Meant To Use And Open a charitable home for the
less privilege and named me his wife as the beneficiary of this trust
fund as the beneficiary of the funds but due to my present ill health
I prefer to rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to
receive it on my behalf as I cannot come over due to my health
condition.

    I'm in a hospital in India/Asia now where I have been undergoing
treatment for esophageal cancer. I have since lost my ability to talk,
and my doctors have told me that I have only a few days to live. My
husband's family want me dead to acquire this wealth. I cannot live
with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them
as they are unbelievers. I want these funds to be distributed to
CHARITY ORGANIZATIONS. Please, help me Stand-in as the beneficiary to
collect the Funds from the Security Company and distribute to charity.
I need honest and trust worthy individual that will utilize this money
in accordance with my instruction. I want the funds to be used in
funding religious organizations, orphanages and less privileged
propagating the word of God. I took this decision because I don't have
any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are
very unkind to me and I don't want my husband’s  hard earned money to
be misused. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I
know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14
says that the lord will fight my course and I shall hold my peace.

    I need you to stand as the beneficiary of my late husband's funds
that are in the Latin Allied Security and Financial Company,I want
these funds to be transferred to you before anything bad happens to
me. When the funds are transferred, i want you to use it for charity
work in my family name, for the less privileged, orphans and other
indigents in the society. I don't want the funds to be left in the
Latin Allied Security and Financial Company.I have discussed my
intentions of making you my next of kin legal manner and he will make
all arrangement in your name, as the beneficiary of the funds and also
my next of kin.


  I have suffered from cancer that extended even before the death of
my husband here ,my husband had supported me mentally and spiritually
until his untimely death. The news of my husband's death came as a
huge blow to my face which I'm still recovering to this day. Not a day
goes by without me thinking of him.When I first heard the news of the
death of my husband, I was shocked, I felt like I lost everything. I
felt like the whole world has ended but am still glad to be alive to
write you this email.


please contact the security company to clam your fund,Latin Allied
Security and Financial Company.(securlatin@gmail.com).
just contact them that you are from Mrs Rosemarie Blumen Moldenhaue,I
have notified them that I will be willing the funds to you for a
specific purpose and good work.You are implored to use this funds once
it has been delivered to you,for the less-privileged, widows, and
orphans, destitute and indigent persons in the society. Please do your
best to see that the dream of Late Mr Gerhard of blessed memory and my
dream is fulfilled and make sure this is kept confidential as you are
the only one contacted for this and aware of this too .I hope you will
be willing to assist and be used as an instrument to help those in
need

Yours in Christ,
Mrs Rosemarie Blumen Moldenhaue

P.s. All, I need your total commitment and confidentiality while
performing this duty, I would not want to endanger performance of this
my only desire

German woman... Indian hospital... Latin Allied Security -- it's like going around the world without ever having to leave your laptop! It was time to get in touch with these Latin folks:

To securlatin@gmail.com

Dec 15
 

Frau Moldenhauer told me to get in touch with you about me collecting, I mean, distributing her fortune to charity. That cancer thing sure is tough. On the other hand, sometimes I wish my girlfriend would catch that cancer thing so she'd stop talking, LOL!

Now I'm more than happy to get my paws on Moldenhauer's money because I've got a few pet charities, including the Chester Hooten Beer Fund, the Chester Hooten Porn Fund and the Chester Hooten Beer & Porn Fund. If you can think of any other, well just keep it to yourself because Frau Moldenhauer wants me to get her dough. Make sure it's in dollars, not franks or whatever Germans use these days. My bank is mighty particular in what I deposit.

So let me know what to do next. Those funds are just aching for some action.

Yours in Crusty,

Chester Hooten

They were so anxious to get the money to me that they completely forgot to suggest any other charities:

Hello,

Nice to hear from you and please i want you to forward us with your personal information,so we can be cleared that you are the true beneficiary of the fund kept in our security company.

1,your full name.

2,your nationality.

3,Address.

4,Telephone number.

5,Occupation.

6,pls scan to us any of your identification to prove you are the rightful beneficiary,either your I.D prove or driving licence.

Thanks 

Dip.James Donald.

I believe it was Peter Marshall, the host of "Hollywood Squares," who often used the phrase, "Turnabout is fair play":

Dear Dip,

While I'm ready and willing to help Frau Moldenhauer, you have to look at things from my perspective. Like, for instance, you're asking me for all kinds of information and a scan of my ID. There sure are a lot of scams on the internets and I'd hate to be the sap to fall for one. So if you don't mind, I'd like you to send me a scan of Frau Moldenhauer ID. Come to think of it, I'd like yours, too. I mean, how do I know you're not one of her husband's relatives that wants to rip her off?

Chester Hooten

I seemed to be the only one who thought it was fair play:

This is the security company she kept the money and she have notify us that you are the beneficiary of the fund,if you need her identity you can ask her for it.and you can still ask her again about this company so you will be sure of what you are doing and this is not a scam.

So i will advice you to ask her better about what you are doing and why we requested for your information's is to be sure that you are the rightful beneficiary of the said fund kept to our company.

Thanks

Dip James Donald. 

Making me bother a woman hospitalized with cancer -- man, that is low. Not low enough for me ignore, though:

How now Frau,

Your security guy Dip wanted a copy of my ID, and frankly that gave me the willies. I thought that he should show me his ID first, but he said I should ask you for yours. Considering the state of your health, I thought that was a little much, but, like they say in the army, orders is orders.

I don't want you to think I don't trust you, but... well, let me put it this way. If I told you out of the blue that I had a few million dollars to give you and all I needed to do was to send you my personal information, wouldn't you think that was a little hinky? So all you need to do is send me a scan of your ID -- a passport would be nice, but I'd accept a drivers license or your Hitler Youth League card if necessary.

Christmas is coming and I sure could use that dough.

Yours is crust,
Chester Hooten

Frau Moldenhauer left me with an empty Christmas stocking. She must have been sicker than I thought.

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SCAM #15: CHIEF IAN BLAIR

After all these scams, it was good to hear from Scotland Yard. Finally, I was going to get some action! Chief Ian Blair <chiefianblair0111@live.com>

  Date: 29th Of October 2013

                                  SCOTLAND YARD POLICE SURVEILLANCE UNIT LONDON UK

Attn:  Card Owner,

This is to inform you that we have been notified by the SCOTLAND YARD POLICE monitoring team that an All Time Money Card(ATM) has been sent to your address on Monday the 21st day of October 2013,Through the  United Nation Humanitarian Department/US Customs Service as written on  the envelope, After our online investigation,It has been said to stop the movement of the card which left USA to your address because of a  non payment of 200 Great British Pounds for the Internal Revenue commission fees.(Mandatory)

If you have in anyway paid these fees in the past,then you are  therefore advised to get back to this office through this same email(chiefianblair01@live.com) with the payment information for the amount as written above to enable us release the movement of your ATM card which has an accompany documents from the united Nation.And if you have not,then you will have to get back to us to enable us link you to the information for the payment.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you but also plead with you to do what is needed hence it is the organization policy and can not be void by any company or individuals.

Best Regard,

Chief Ian Blair.

Chairman, Central Scotland Police

Wow. I like to consider myself a fairly intelligent guy, but that email made absolutely no sense to me. I realize English isn't these crooks' first language, but at least the others made some kind of sense. For the first time, I had to be something close to honest in my reply:

My dear Chief Blair:

I appreciate you getting in touch with me on such a vital matter. Unfortunately, after reading your email three times, I have no idea what you're trying to convey to me. Perhaps it's the difference in our different approaches to the same language. It could be that, in transmitting your message, the words got mixed up. Would you please send another email to me in words I can understand? I'm very much a supporter of the police in any country, and want to do whatever I can to help.  

After three days of silence, I received a reply:


Thank you for your email Mr.Kevin,Hope you are doing well?

I am very sorry if you don't really understand my message,Sure you are right that it may have to do with differ languages,I was just trying to inform you that there is a parcel which contain an ATM card here in your name and address but was stopped by this noble office because of the non payment of the IRS Charge for the government,and the prize is 200 Great British Pounds.

Ian.

Ahh, that was more like it! But since I started out as something resembling a normal person, I had to continue in that vein:

My dear Chief Blair:

Thank you for asking about my well-being. I commend your noble office for doing its duty. I'm more than happy to pay the IRS whatever it is owed. But the ATM card is worth 200 pounds. That's British money. Great British money, in fact. There's not a store in America that doesn't accept anything but the good ol' U.S. dollar. What good would the ATM card do me? 

One look at the length of his reply and I knew he was salivating at getting the dough from the alleged sucker he had hooked:

CENTRAL SCOTLAND POLICE
RANDOLPH FIELD, STIRLING,
SCOTLAND, FK8 2HD LONDON/UK..
Tel: +447452285590, +447430180590

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Date: 6th Of November 2013

                                       SCOTLAND YARD POLICE SURVEILLANCE UNIT LONDON UK

Attn: Kevin Kusinitz,Thank you for your email letter of this day,To tell you the truth my dear,I cannot send out my ID to anyone on internet here for any reason considering all what scammers has done with my names and even officials email Id and that is my reason of contacting you from a personal and more secured email id.If not that is the only thing i should have sent to you as prove.

The attached file is a copy of your ATM Card which i am not also supposed to send to you but due to your Status and what your file says you have gone through in the hands of the scammers,I have decided to send you a copy as email attachment.Although it also bear some legal documents in your names and address but i cannot attach them all for you because it is against the law hence it is not rightfully mine.If you have read my first email carefully,you would have seen that it was sent from the United Nation humanitarian agency for compensation via US Custom Service. and the amount in the ATM card is US$4Million Only from what the documents attached to it states,I will also want you to reconfirm me with your full names and address so that i can cross check with what i have on the envelope to avoid wrong address.
What i have tried to make you understand is that the sum of 200 Great British Pounds is needed for the IRS service charge which must be paid before the card will be delivered to you.If you are therefore pleased with my email,then you get back to me so that i can link you with the information to send the fees to.

I hope this answers your questions?

Best Regard
Chief Ian Blair.

Chairman, Central Scotland Police

I thought he was getting overly-familiar with that "my dear" stuff. Plus, he  had mentioned nothing about $4-million in his first email. Bad attitude on his part.  I thought it was time to wrap this up sooner.
 

 Sorry it took so long to reply. I just moved to a new house and it took a while to set up my internet service. I'm a little short of cash right now. Do you think you could lend me the 200 pounds, and I pay you back when I get the ATM card? Once I get that four million bucks, you know I'm good for it. I could ask my brother for the cash, but he's out of the country. He's an FBI agent and is in Nigeria on some secret case.

I figured that would put the fear of God in him. I figured wrong:

Sorry,There is no way we can do that,You must pay the money to get your Card.
Ian. 

What part of "FBI agent" did this guy not understand? It looked like I had to get a little more hamfisted:

Good news. My brother the FBI agent is flying to London from Nigeria next week. He says you're a good friend of his, having worked with you on some cases involving email scams. He would be happy to drop by your office with a check for 200 pounds (and even take you out to lunch!). You can then give him the ATM card, which he'll give to me when gets back to America.

He'll be in touch with you regarding his arrival. Thank you for your help. 


Was he fooled or did he realize that he was the one who got scammed? I'll never know. Nice ATM card, though.

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