Tuesday, December 1, 2015


The Nigerian scams never get old. But in a new twist, I received one from the president of the country. Or is it the president of the scams?

Scam Victim Chester Hooten,


I hope this messages gets to you in a good fate,As part of my promise to eradicate corruption here in Nigeria and the World at large,I wish to bring to you an emergency note with the LETTER OF REJECT OF FUNDS considering your inability to fulfill the obligations to enable you secure your compensation payment.

We therefore plead with you to print and fill the form attached and send back to us before the next 48 banking hours to be inline with our dead line.

You may wonder why a president is contacting you all by himself, but never to worry It is part of my campaign promise to fight corruption and I must do that with all  cost.
If you go through the Nigerian National Daily news papers, you may see that I have chosen to also take the office of the Nigeria National Petroleum Cooperation (NNPC)  because there are so many corrupt officers in that department and the same goes to the Central Bank Of Nigeria and the Ministry of finance.

I will therefore plead with you to do what is right this time so that your funds can get to you without any more delay hence it is my promise to bring back the good name Nigeria has in the past.

May Almighty Allah Bless us.

Yours in Service.

Alhaji Buhari Mohammadu.

Sheesh, why would I reject what's coming to me? Still, I didn't want to download the document. I hoped President Mohammadu would understand.

Dear Al,

Hope you don't mind me getting familiar -- I'm an easygoing guy, not like those terrorists I keep reading about. You're not one of them, are you?

So yeah, corruption -- tell me about it! We Americans are up to our keisters in corruption! I'm glad we're not the only ones. Have you been watching our presidential campaign? They might as well put Al Capone against John Dillinger for all the good it's doing us!

I would like my money, no question. But here's the catch. I'm afraid to download that document. It might be all infected or, even worse, be a bomb and blow up my computer! Not that I don't trust you, but... well, as Paris has proven, not everyone is ami with everyone else. (That means "friend," in case you didn't parlez Francais. That means "talk French," in cas you didn't talk French. Oh wait, I said that already, LOL!)

So if you could just ask me the questions I'm supposed to answer in a regular email, no attachment, we can get cooking. And I'm not talking about cannibals, LOL again!

Chester Hooten

Unlike most of his ilk, this scammer got back in touch within an hour. I can't say I appreciated him calling me by my last name. On the other hand, it's not my real name anyway, so what the heck.

Good to hear back from you,It is well said and i understood all.You are very right because this days no one can predict what will happen next.
I will want you to know one thing about the attachment that i have sent to you,It is a document which you have to fill,sign and send back to us letting us know that you no longer which to get your compensation payment from the Nigerian Government,Like i told you ion my last email,I made a promise to your president and the world leaders after my inauguration that i was going to make sure corruption becomes thing of the past here in Nigeria and Africa at large by making sure all you scam victims are paid at least half of your compensation payment to enable us bring back the good name of the Nation.
So my dear,You do not need to be afraid about the documents,It has nothing to do with bomb or what ever you think it has but only for you to let us know why you still left your funds here unpaid to you.
I wish you well and wait to hear back from you.
Thank You.

What is with these guys calling me "my dear"? I didn't have to time to ask him myself, because after reading the document, I needed one thing cleared up.


Well that's a relief! It's good to know that I can trust a total stranger from several thousand miles away. I guess that's why they elected you president. You're not like Idi Amin, are you? I'd hate for you to eat me.

I read the document, and want to make sure I understand it. If I sign it, do I get the money? Your English is way more sophisticated than mine, and I just want to make sure I know what I'm signing. Because I want that money that your countrymen scammed me out of! For all I know it was Boko Harum. Maybe you can form a different group called Bozo Harum and make fun of them. That's a free idea to you, prez!

So let me know if I need to sign it to get my money.


Once again arrived another email written in an approximate imitation of English. At least this time his salutation was a little more polite:

Hooten Sir,
Thank you for your email,Good question you have asked there,The document you have seen there bear FUND REJECTION FORM which means that by signing and filling it,You are no longer interested in getting the funds and it will be paid back to the Nigeria Reserve Treasury Account for the fight of insurgency and corruption both in Nigeria and the entire nation at large.
I have sent you the document to sign and return back considering my report from the senate committee on International Affairs and Money Policy who already cleared that you are incapable of fulfilling the legal obligations to get the funds to your possession.
There are three legal certificates i have asked from them in regards to all the compensation payment which are world bank demand from the federal government but i cannot see them in your payment file which means you are incapable of clearing the funds.
If you therefore have them and can send me copies via email attachment,Then you do not need to sign and fill the Fund Rejection Form because your funds will get to you as soon as you can send me the certificates for verification as requested by the world bank as part of my campaign promises.
I wait to hear from you with the requested certificates if you have the three of them and if you do not have,then you should sign and fill the funds rejection form and send to me,Remember that you are given 48 banking hours to do this.
Thank you.

What the --? If I read this right, this was the strangest scam that ever came my way: sign the document if you don't want the money, but send back three certificates if I did. What certificates? This would not stand.

Wait a minute, I want my funds! Those were promised me by your fellow Nigerians, and by God they belong to me. I mean, the funds, not your fellow Nigerians. You can keep them to do as you wish, Buhari sir.

I don't have any legal certificates. I have no idea what these are. Therefore, I believe this whole thing is yet ANOTHER SCAM to keep me from getting my money. Where is my money? Is there anything else I can sign? WHERE ARE THE CERTIFICATES?!

This better not be another scam. I willing to give you my banking information AND SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, that's how much I trust you. I'll even give you my collection of celebrity egesta and excreta, if that's what it takes.

So what do we have to do to get this show on the road?

They say that it's difficult to remember information read online. The scammer's reply is just difficult to understand, period.

Hooten Sir,

Good to hear back from you,With all due respect Mr.Hooten...My last email to you does not mean any harm as far as am concern and i had written you the message to let you know that we are not here to joke with anyone because i have promised to bring corruption to an End in this side of the world and Allah help me,I must achieve my arms.

Please note that i do not know you in person and have had nothing with you in the past but after i got my report from the Newly Appointed committee on International Affairs and Monitory Policy with your payment file saying that you have spent a lot to the hand of the last government of Nigeria under the administration of the Immediate past President in the person of Dr.Goodluck E.Jonathan,That is the reason why i have contacted you because a report on your payment file has been given to me by the chairman on Committee on foreign affairs and monitory policy.

Talking about the certificates that you are requested of,they are written below:

1, Certificate of Legality.
2, Registration Certificate.
3, Affidavit of claim and facts.

You have misunderstood my last message because some other people may have contacted you with my names and even pictures and with telephone number and that is the reason why i do not want to give out any of my details over the internet,I am President Mohammadu Buhari the new elected president of Nigeria and also the present  Minister of Petroleum..Nigerian National Petroleum Cooperation(NNPC) and have gotten your contact details from the committee on my request for all the scam victims who has there names in the scam victims compensation payment list and your name comes in as one of them.

You may wonder why a president is contacting you all by himself,and you are right but i am doing this hence it is one of my campaign promises to make sure Nigeria does away with corruption and that i must do only with your cooperation if you do the right thing.

If you can be able to present to me via email attachment the needed three certificates,Then you do not have to worry about filling and signing the Rejection Form and be rest assured that your funds will come to you without paying one more cent but if you do not have the three and cannot afford them ,Then you should go ahead and fill and sign the form and send back to us which means you are losing the funds to the Nigerian Government for the fight of insurgency and corruption in Nigeria and Africa at large.

I have written my name this way via email because of the Scammers who uses my full names and signature with even picture to scam all you off your hard earned money.If you really hard  about me 35 years ago when i was the head of states to Nigeria during my military age,You will understand the reason why my name is written that way.

Thank You.


If he thought this was going to please me, he had another thing coming.

This isn't fair at all. I've been scammed out of my money, and you won't give it back unless I give you three certificates that I don't even know how to get. Isn't there some other way around this? I mean, what if I give you my phone number and we talk this out like men? Then I'll give you my banking information, too. I'll even give you my passport number. That sounds fair, right?

PS: Was Obama born in Nigeria or Kenya?

Thirty minutes later, I received an answer. Try reading this whole thing out loud. Nothing has been changed.

Hooten Sir,

If you go through my profile you should know that i am getting aged,Please don't get mad at me because i am doing what i have promised the world during my campaign to bring corruption to an end and make sure all the cal prints are brought to boo for interrogation.I am not too good in writing long stories or message because my words are clear because i am a man of my word.I am not forcing you to sign the Rejection form because i have just told you what it takes to get your funds but if you do not have any of these documents,How do you now then stand as a man to say you have funds here without the Registration certificate because i wonder how you can own such amount of Money without registering the funds in your name as the beneficiary.

How can you prove that you are the owner of the funds without these certificates? If i hadn't seen your payment file,I would have said that you are a false claimer but thank the almighty Allah that you have a file to prove the payment is yours.

The matter is not all about talking on the telephone as man to man because we are not here to joke,Corruption must be a thing of the past here and in the world at large because it is also among the discussion suggested during the World Leaders meeting held in Malta few days ago if you have followed the news.

Talking about what to do,There is nothing more or less to do than to secure the certificates from the Internal Revenue commission here who will deliver the needed documents to you both by email attachment and shipment of the original copy to you in your address via DHL.If you are ready to get them,Then you let me know so that i can ask them what it cost or each and what it cost for all but be rest assured that your funds will get to you as soon as the three certificates are obtain.

You may give me your telephone number is you wish but your passport should be sent to me as email attachment.I can also send you mine only on your request and promise that you must not send copies to anyone for security reason.
Obama is from Kenya.

Allah Bless us all.

It was good to get the inside skinny on President Obama's birthplace. (Too bad Donald Trump wasted all that money on detectives a few years ago!) I was impressed, too, that my pen-pal was up on current events regarding the EU conference in Malta. Still, I was getting tired of this back & forth, and figured it was time to bring things to a close.

I have to say, I'm mighty impressed that you, a president, would not only take so much time out from your job to keep in touch with me, but to answer me so quickly! I guess nothing much must be happening in Nigeria. Our president -- the one you assure me was born in Kenya -- is jetting all over the world these days. I bet he envies you!

Let me thank you, too, for making sure all the cal prints are brought to boo for interrogation. Not enough of our cal prints are brought to boo for anything, let alone interrogation. Yes, let it alone, please.

I'm ready to sign all necessary documents. Just to show you I'm operating in good faith, I've attached a photo of my passport. If there's a problem, give me a call at 312-421-6700. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

Chester Hooten

I figured that took care of things, because I never heard from him again... That is, until five months later when, out of the blue, this email arrived:

 From: Muhammed Buhari <alhajimuhammedbuhari@gmail.com>; 

Subject: Re: Scam Victim Chester Hooten,
Sent: Mon, Apr 4, 2016 5:24:40 PM 

Are you sure you are alive? If yes then do you not read my emails?

Frankly, I thought that was a rather nasty tone to take, considering how slow he 
was to reply to me. But why hold a grudge when there are millions of dollars at stake?:

Hey there! Long time, no read! Good to hear from you. It's been almost five months, what
 took you so long? 

Well, to answer your question, I looked in the mirror, and guess what -- I is alive! ALIVE, 
ALIVE! So let's get cracking. I want some of that money, pronto. What's our next step, friend?

This time, his reply was prompt and to the point.

Reconfirm me with your contact details in full please.

Well, it had been a while since I last gave him my contact info, so there was no 
reason to doubt that he had lost it.

Dear Mr. President,

You know, I'm honored that you're taking the time out from busy schedule. Why, just today
 I read that you've received details of the 2016 budget. Let's hope some of that money goes
 to me! Oh, and I like that you've banned government officials from flying first class on official 
trips. Again, less money for them, more for me!

Since the last time I gave you my phone number, I've moved. You can now call me at 
702-584-5460. Ask for Chester Hooten, because that's my name. By the way, I've got a friend
 staying with me for a while, and he has something of a sense of humor. So be sure to identify yourself as the president of Nigeria in case he pulls one of his pranks.

Waiting for my money,
Chester Hooten

I gave him that warning because my "friend" would have identified the number of that 
as the Las Vegas bureau of the FBI. Unfortunately, he didn't call.

Reconfirm me with your full names,address and a working telephone number,Also let me
 know if you have any legal certificates that clears your claim of the compensation payment.

These guys sure were persistent, however irritating they might have been.

Man oh man, you keep making this difficult. There was a flood here a while back, and I don't 
have any documents left, other than my library card. Would that do?

Chester Hooten
3499 Dupery Avenue
Crankcase, OH 

I felt obliged to Google the address and city just to make sure they didn't exist. 
The president apparently had his doubts, too, because I once again received the email
he sent before:

Reconfirm me with your full names,address and a working telephone number,Also let me
 know if you have any legal certificates that clears your claim of the compensation payment.

Sorry, forgot the zip code! Man, you presidents don't miss a thing!

Chester Hooten
3699 Dupery Avenue
Crankcase, 0U812

PS: Who do you think will be elected president of America? I hope Marco Trump!
This time I forgot the state. When I didn't immediately hear back, I figured it was 
over... until I heard from someone else:

The fancier the language, the bigger the scam. Still, it was exciting.

Hi, Chief!

That's it, you got it. Just add "OH" between "Crankcase" and "0U812" so the mailman
 doesn't confuse it with Crankcase FL or Crankcase MN. 

Looking forward to the money!


PS: What does KTT mean? Kitty department?

There was no time to answer my perfectly reasonable question when there
was work to be done.

Mr.Chester ,

See attached file ,copies of the four pages of your fund release order documents for 
the final approval/onward transfer of your compensation payment to any account of
 your choice,Note that the approval has been done since the year 2014 but because 
of the past administration and the corruption they brought to this nation,You were 
unable to obtain your claim accordingly.

You are therefore advised to print them all out in color,Fill ,Sign and return back to 
the address that will be given to you when you are done with the signings.

Remember that the documents has some obligations that you must fulfill like you 
see in page 3,Make sure you read carefully before signing because any mistake may
cost you a penalty.

Congratulations in Advance!

Susan Green.

Nothing says authentic like TOP SECRET in '70s disco font. How can one not be impressed?

Those are some beautiful documents! Very colorful, and the printing is very fancy. Do I print them and mail them to you, or scan them and email after I send them? I want to make sure I do everything right so I can collect all that moolah-la-la!


It took only a matter of moments for her to scream back:





Finally, I could collect my hard-earned money -- until disaster struck:

Dear Susan,

First, I would have addressed you by your last name, along with a Miss, but I don't know what your name is, so sorry for the informality.

Second, bad news. I don't have a color copier! Mine is just black & white, like that song "Ebony & Ivory." Is a black & white copy OK? I'd hate to lose out on all that money just over a few colors. 

By the way, what's your last name? I want to be more respectful next time.

Chester Hooten

When I didn't get a reply, I figured that these guys had finally caught on to my own little scam. But three months later, out of the blue, came this missive:

Over a full year had passed since this thing started; I couldn't come up with
any more goofy problems, surgeries or questions, so I decided, once again to
stop replying. Over the next four weeks, I received the following emails:

am still waiting to hear from you and I hope you have been seeing my

messages.. I advise you to get back to me soonest.


I hope you have been seeing my messages?am still waiting to hear from you.


What will next August bring -- a haiku, perhaps?