Friday, June 27, 2014


 From the "sir/madam" to delivering the check to me "without any huddle," this is the most inept scam I've received so far. Oh, and let's not forget that the head of the FBI's email address is a Ugandan domain:

James B. Comey <>

NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Attn: sir/madam

I wish to inform you that we  have been holding series of meeting with representatives from IMF , United nations and world bank.
It was unanimously agreed that 15 individuals  be given a compensation compensation of $3.00 million in form of cashier check due to  unfinished contract, inheritance payment  they have in Nigeria or loss incurred from Scam.
Other beneficiaries have already receive theirs .
You are the only one whose  cashier check is still undelivered.
You are by this notice advised to contact MR.IBRAHIM DANGWOBE ,ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION via the email address  for the delivery of your cashier check .You should cooperate with him and send to him a stamp duty fee of $250 to enable him deliver the  cashier check to you without any huddle.
Thank you for listening to our advice .

Faithfully Yours,
James B. Comey

If I were to listen to his advice, I'd be an even bigger idiot than the, well, idiot who sent this. Still, I felt obliged to reply -- and even offer my heartiest felicitations:

Dear Mr. Dagwobe:

First of all, allow me to congratulate Nigeria on advancing to round 16 of the World Cup. I'm sure that you and your fellow sports fans are proud of a group of grown men who make a living kicking a ball around a field. Who needs a good education, right? From what I read in the papers, your Islamist terrorists don't have much use for education, and they're making some pretty serious headway your way!

Giving you, a total stranger, $250 in exchange for $3.00 million is surely a good deal no matter where you stand. Or sit, like I am now. I don't think anybody stands while sending an email, unless they're really tall and prefer to put the computer on top of the refrigerator. Do you have refrigerators in Nigeria? Pretty hot there! Where else would you store your giraffe pate? 

So what's your address? Let's get this deal cooking, before the terrorists blow up what's left of your country.

Chester Hooten 

Mr. Dagwobe must have fallen victim to the terrorists, because he never replied. Either that, or he choked to death on his giraffe pate.



Thursday, June 26, 2014


This guy was so excited to offer me a low-interest loan that he neglected to remember basic grammar, punctuation, and syntax skills:

Date: Wed, Jun 25, 2014 at 6:42 AM
Subject: Re: USA LOAN

I am Mr George E. Smith Executive director in the USA in California, We offer Legitimate Loans without collateral at the low interest rate of 2% with maximum guarantee and assurance.If you are in need of a loan, We will like you to let Us
know how much you need as loan in your next email so that i can provide you Our loan conditions for the swift processing of your application immediately.You can apply and get your loan same day if you are in the States,We await you,it is
cheaper and convenient for you..One America One Love.

(1) Name:
(2) Address
(3) Sex & Age:
(4) Amount Needed
(5) Loan Duration:
(6) Monthly Income
(7) Valid Telephone/Fax
(8) Purpose of seeking Loan:
(9) Profession:
Please send your details to:

Best Regards,
Mr.George E. Smith 
No need for formalities; I got right down to business:
(1) Name: Chester Hooten
(2) Address  948 Alpaca Drive
(3) Sex & Age: Not enough & 45
(4) Amount Needed $5,000
(5) Loan Duration: Forever

(6) Monthly Income  If I had an income, I wouldn't be asking for a loan, you stupid SOB.
(7) Valid Telephone/Fax  They shut off my telephone
(8) Purpose of seeking Loan:  Prostitutes. Lots of prostitutes
(9) Profession: Manager, Hooten's Flea Circus

Let's get cracking on this, George. I need some action, pronto.

Chester Hooten 

Man, I wish I had a phone. Maybe he would have replied. Or was it that "stupid SOB" crack?


Wednesday, June 25, 2014


 I've never heard of bank directors "treading" money; good thing I received this email so I could learn about this apparently dastardly bit of business:

From: <>
Date: Tue, Jun 24, 2014 at 12:18 PM
Subject: RE: THANKS

I am Mr. George Rolando, I am an international fund payment manager with the Barclays Bank London, I took my time to go through your fund payment and found out that your payment was delayed and invested in a high Interest Fund Placement by the then directors.

You will find it very difficult to believe that these directors has been making money with your funds, treading with it since they have frustrated you and pushed your funds into a high interest fund placement program.
I can help you receive your funds in United States of America, this is what am good at, am an expert payment manager and top ranking AA with the European & American Banks holding a top payouts record.
I will start by paying you the resent interest made (US$6 000 000) then we will take about getting the deposited total sum of US$40 Million recalled and transferred to you.
I will have your US$6 000 000 Million transferred into a local Bank in United States of America and then fly down to have it transferred into your account locally.
Do get back to me so that I can start immediately.
Mr. George Rolando.
International Fund Manager
Rolando Legal Services & Partners
Office 26-28 Underwood Street London N1 7JQ

 As requested, I got back to this far-too-humble fellow immediately:
Well, gee, what are you thanking ME for? I should be down on my knees thanking YOU! I had no idea somebody was playing "easy as it goes" with my 6 million smackers. I had no idea I had 6 million smackers, period! So they're treading with my funds, hunh? I'd like to see them treading in shark invested waters instead.

I don't know who you are or how you found me, but I just want to thank you from the bottom of my blitz to the top of my topiary for alerting me to this fraudster bankster guy. Now how are you going to get me the resent interest made? I'll take it tens and twenties, if that's possible. I don't know how many you'd need to make 6 million goobers, but I've got some space in my living room. Get in touch, George! I'm waiting!

Chester Hooten

 And I'm still waiting. Guess I should've asked for a check instead.



Friday, June 20, 2014


Well, somebody realized that the James Dimon email (scam #10) had run its course. So what better way than changing one letter of his name in order to grab my attention? It's remarkable that the head of Chase works out of a sleepy suburban bank. Note the bank's email address, too -- it doesn't get more professional than that:

From: Bank <>
Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2014 at 12:01 AM
Subject: From JP Morgan Chase Bank Mr. James Damon CEO 1

From JP Morgan Chase Bank
Mr. James Damon CEO
Address: 2469 Hemp stead Turnpike
East Meadow, NY 11554-1155
DATE: 6 / 17 / 2014

Attn: Beneficiary,

The United States of America Co-operation  Management in Conjunction with United Nation  Worldwide are pleased to inform you that you are  Among the 10 Winners of our Annual Year Lotto  Lottery Conducted in the United Sates of America  held on 10th of Jun 2014. Your Email Address  Email was Attached to with Serial Number S/N-00221  and Consequently Won in the First Lucky 10 Winner's  Lottery Category.

You are therefore been Approved to claim the Sum of  Usd$5,000.000.00 only (Five Million United States  Dollars) only payable in wire Transfer from Jp  Morgan Chase Bank New York City 2469 Hemp stead  Turnpike East Meadow, NY 11554-1155 Be informed  that every arrangement regarding your payment  through Telegraphic Wire Banking transfer has been  made by our management.

You will have to re-confirm your full information  which will be used to set up the account on your  name here in the JP Morgan Chase Bank New York 2469  Hemp stead Turnpike East Meadow, NY 11554-1155  Full Names:Your Complete Address:Scan copy of your personal identification Direct Telephone Number:Mobile Number:Present Occupation: NOTE: That you are requested to claim your prize  without any further delay if interested.

Thanks for your Co-operation.

Mr. James Damon CEO
Address: 2469 Hemp stead Turnpike
East Meadow, NY 11554-1155

Capitalizing on the sentiment prevalent in the heartland, I decided to go the Tea Party route:

Dear Mr. JP Morgan Chase Bank Mr. James Damon CEO 1,

Well it's about time that goddamn United Nations did something for me! I'd say they owe me more than five million bucks for all the crap they dish out to the world. Did they ever do anything for anybody except make laws and tell us what to do? Hell no! As far as I'm concerned, they should give five million to everybody! They got the dough. Hey here's a joke. What's the difference between the UN and a steaming pile of shit? Answer: NOTHING! HAHAHA!

I want their money. What do I have to do to get it? I want it want it WANT IT.

Chester Hooten

Too much? Apparently so. No reply, no five million from that goddamn United Nations.