Then came Barrister Alexandra Toms. He's quite an interesting fellow. Working out of the FBI in Washington, he nevertheless has a Chinese email address but is connected to a Nigerian bank. "Busy, busy, busy!" as Billy DeWolfe would tell Merv Griffin.
Either he was hungry for my bank account number or I was convincingly doltish, because this was my longest exchange. Mr. Toms' messages are pretty dense, but read through them carefully. It's the only way you'll make any sense out of my replies. Maybe.
Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Counter-terrorism Division and Cyber Crime Division
J. Edgar. Hoover Building Washington DC
Counter-terrorism Division and Cyber Crime Division
J. Edgar. Hoover Building Washington DC
Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $850,000.00 due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.
The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency President Good luck Jonathan to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes. Now how would you like to receive your payment? Because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card?
ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $3,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2015. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.
Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be mailed to you via FedEx. Because we have signed a contract with FedEx Express which should expire by the end of this month, you will only need to pay $135 instead of $420 saving you $285 So if you pay before the end of this month you save $285 Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any. Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $135.00 nothing more! Nothing less! And we guarantee the receipt of your fund to be successfully delivered to you within the next 48hours after the receipt of payment has been confirmed.
Note: Everything has been taken care of by the Federal Government of Nigeria, The United Nation and also the FBI and including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $135.
DO NOT SEND MONEY TO ANYONE UNTIL YOU READ THIS: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is $420 but because FedEx have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to pay when package is delivered for international shipping We had to sign contract with them for bulk shipping which makes the fees reduce from the actual fee of $420 to $135 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort!
To effect the release of your fund valued at $850,000.00 you are advised to contact our correspondent in Africa the delivery officer Barrister Alexandra Toms with the information below,
Name: Barrister Alexandra Toms
You are advised to contact him with the information?'s as stated below:
Your full Name..
Preferred Payment Method (ATM / Cashier Check)
Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 48 working hours. Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 48hours after you have made the payment for shipping we the Federal Bureau of Investigation(FBI) will get your funds refund back to you with immediate effect
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535
TELEPHONE: (206) 309-0312
FAX: (202) 666-5283
Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM CARD, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Barrister Alexandra Toms of the ATM CARD CENTRE who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your ATM CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon and commence investigation.
Strange how FBI agents use British spelling ("Centre") yet confuse "has" with "have." Still, I needed to reply post-haste:
Wow! I was praying for a large sum of money last night. And I received your email! God is great to me. No wonder why your president’s name is Goodluck Jonathan. He certainly has brought it to me. You must live in a wonderful country. It’s in Africa, isn’t it? I like Tarzan movies, so I’d like to visit some time.
You’re right about those corrupt politicians. Thank God you and the FBI are giving us what’s coming to us. I know there are fraudsters trying to pull a fast one with scams, so seeing something approved by the FBI makes me feel better. (My name isn't Beneficiary, but can I still have the money?)
I would like a check, yes. Imagine the look on the teller’s face when I show her that! They’ll let me go to the “special customers” line from now on! But there’s one thing I have to ask, and not because I don’t trust you. Is it possible for you to email me a picture of you with your ID? Like I said, I trust you, but well you know how it is these days. I have $135 from my job so I can send it to you (would you like money or check?) but I just want to be 100% sure. Please don't be insulted. I'll send you a photo of me if you want so you know who I am.
Please reply soon. $850,000 is a lot of money I could use.
Clearly, I hit a raw nerve asking for a little proof that he was on the level:
I got your email and the content was well understood. I would like to say that i do appreciate the fact that you can confide in me and pour out your fears. But i must tell you that i have not put my hand in any scam , and this is real and legitimate, i know their are a lot of scams on the internet.
Yes it's true that the world is a global place that people would easily go and scam people most especially on the net because the internet is the easiest way to reach to people and making them believe that the transaction they are offering is real. Therefore i must say that you deemed it fit and did right for explaining all to me in details so that you won't misunderstood the whole issue.
I need you to know that i'm a man of dignity and keeps to my word. It's therefore an insult on my face and on me as a person for you to have thought that i belong to those impostors, though i saw your reasons.By the virtue of a man's word, you could tell who is geniue and not.Though have been involved in such like this does not mean that when you see a legit one you can't tell it's really. God our creator has different ways of restoring all our wasted years and this is the restoration that the lord has ordained for you.
Furthermore, i would want you to know that there is scam in the globe and i would advice you to be careful with the kind of emails you reply to so that you won't be a victim of circumstance anymore . it's my duty to protect your interest and also advice you on legal matters on how to go about it. I promise you will be revived and regain all that you've ever dream t of at the end.You must also know that you will be surprised that the delivery will be made to you as soon as you make the payment and at that point and level of success, you will live to remain grateful to me, I want you to have your mind rest .
Also i want you to know and believe that this is not and will never be a fake because i have to make it known to you that i'm an insider . I would make known to you that i have a good job that is paying me well than going around to scam people of their peanuts. For these reasons, i have my personality, my work and family to protect also i want you to know that good name is better than riches.
Who knew FBI agents got their IDs from Pennysaver flyers? And that this guy was apparently Anderson Cooper's twin brother (with a dye job)? It was good enough for me:
I didn't mean to insult your face! Your ID proves you have a very nice face in fact. It's very obvious you keeps to your word. I asked for your ID and you gave it. I wish I had a fancy ID like yours, but I’m not an FBI agent. In my job what I do is pick up the rigmarole people leave behind in the park. You know, like napkins, dirty diapers and condoms. Condoms are the worse, especially used condoms! Did you know people here (I live in Wisconsin) have sex in public in the park in front of the squirrels? I once saw a couple doing that and it was the worst! Even the squirrel threw up his little nuts. Can the FBI do something about that? I would appreciate that. The man I work for doesn’t give me gloves, so my fingers get sticky. It’s hard to eat my lunch that way. So please, if you or your friends could do something about that it would be good for me because I like lunch.
I was glad to hear from you, but now I am nervous. You say a good name is better than riches. Does that mean I shouldn’t have the money? I’m very confused! I would like the money, but it sounds like you’re saying I shouldn’t have it. Please help me. Until I hear from you, I will ask God our creator what he thinks. Maybe I should ask him about getting gloves for my job too. He created the world in a week (I think) so gloves should be a cinch.
Thank you for not scamming me of my peanuts.
I must have been getting on his nerves, because he was now yelling at me in caps:
THANK YOU FOR EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS TO ME.
I AM NOT DISPUTING YOUR ASSERTION. OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE MANY BAD GUY OUT THERE LIKE I SAID TODAY WITHOUT HUMAN CONSCIENCE WHO CAN JUST DO ANYTHING JUST TO GET QUICK MONEY THAT NEVER LAST AND CANNOT SOLVE THEIR PROBLEM.
LOOK I AM A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD MATTERS A LOT BECAUSE GOD IS WATCHING EVERY OF OUR ACTIVITIES GOOD OR BAD.
WHATEVER HAPPENS THE BALL IS ON YOUR COURT TO DECIDE ON WHAT TO DO AND I AM NOT BLAMING YOU BECAUSE BAD PEOPLE EXIST THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU NOW THINK AND REASON THAT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME.
BUT THE WORLD IS NOT LIKE THAT. IN AS MUCH AS I AGREED THAT THERE IS A SCAM AND THE BAD ONES CASHED ON THE TRUST REPOSED ON THEM BY THEIR UNSUSPECTING VICTIMS TO RIPP- THEM OFF THEIR HARD EARNED INCOME.
AT ANY RATE, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT GOOD PEOPLE WITH THE FEAR OF GOD STILL EXIST.
I AM NOT SAYING ALL THIS TO CONVINCE YOU BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T TRUST AND REPOSE YOUR CONFIDENCE IN ME,IT WILL BE HARD FOR ANY PERSON TO CHANGE YOUR MIND EXCEPT YOU CHANGE YOUR STAND BY YOURSELF PROBABLY TO GIVE ME A TRIAL AND I WILL PROVE TO YOU THAT TRULY GOOD PEOPLE STILL ABOUND ON EARTH.
I FEEL BAD SEEING PEOPLE DOING ALL KIND OF SILLY THINGS JUST TO FLEECE INNOCENT PEOPLE THEIR HARD EARN INCOME.
PLEASE THIS IS NOT THESAME THING WITH WHAT YOU MAY BE THINKING ON THE CONTRARY AS THIS IS REAL AND LEGIT. THEREFORE YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FEAR OR WORRY ABOUT AS FAR AS THIS TRANSACTION IS CONCERN.
I HAVE TOLD YOU TO REPOSE YOUR CONFIDENCE IN ME AND GIVE ME YOUR TRUST AND SEE IF I WILL FAIL YOU.
I WANT TO PROVE A POINT TO YOU AND YOU WILL LATER TESTIFIED TO PEOPLE THAT TRULY GOOD PEOPLE STILL EXIST EVEN IN THE MIDST OF GULLIBLE ONES.
EVERYTHING IS IN YOUR HAND BUT I HAVE TOLD YOU THE SOBER TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
BUT WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AS FAR AS I AM CONCERN, NOBODY IS FEEDING ON YOUR MONEY. AND I AM NOT INTERESTED IN IT. IF NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISPATCHING YOUR ATM CARD, I SHOULDNT HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE ASK YOU A CENT.
SO I AM MAKING IT SUCCINTLY CLEAR THAT I AM NOT AFTER YOUR MONEY
MY DUTY IS TO MAKE SURE THAT THE ATM CARD GETS TO YOU ONCE YOU SENT THE FEE AND THAT IS ALL.
YOU ARE BECOMING TOO PERSONAL AS IF TO SAY YOU ARE PICKING ON ME. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG TO YOU? WRONG? I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE PUTTING IT ON ME, YOU ARE BECOMING TOO PERSONAL TO MY LIKING.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS TO PICK YOUR ATM CARD AND CASH YOUR FUND. I DONT WANT YOU TO SEE IT AS IF I AM FORCING YOU AGAINST YOUR WISH. I HAVE TOLD YOU NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION, IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU ARE THINKING ON THE CONTRARY, I AM NOT A PARTY TO IT. I BELIEVE IN HONEST LIVING, I CAN ACCOUNT FOR ANY CENT I EARN TODAY. I HATE CHEATING AND DIS-HONEST PEOPLE.
THAT I AM WORKING IN THE FINANCE HOUSE DOES NOT MEAN THAT I SHOULD SOIL MY HANDS IN CORRUPTION.
I HAVE A GOOD FAMILY BACKGROUND, MY FATHER IS A PRIEST AND HE RAISED HIS CHILDREN IN A CHRISTIAN WAY. WHEN I MEAN CHRISTIAN, I MEAN THOSE WITH THE FEAR OF GOD AND WORSHIP HIM IN TRUTH AND SPIRIT.
WHY MUST I CHEAT YOU? DOES THAT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS? LOOK THIS WORLD DOES NOT END ON THE PLANET EARTH, AFTER DEATH COME JUDGMENT.
THEREFORE, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD MATTERS.
THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU IN EVERY OF YOUR HUMAN ENDEVOR.
BARRITER ALEXANDRA TOMS.
Was my face red! It's never a good idea to tick of an FBI agent (or a barrister, or maybe that's his name). I had no choice but to backtrack:
I am so sorry for making you upset! Please accept my apologies! You are being so generous to me and I feel like I don’t deserve it now! You are right, God is watching us. Sometimes I get embarrassed when I’m going to the bathroom. I think, “God is watching me wipe myself!” Then I hurry and try to get it over with and I don’t finish it well. I need new underwear, and money would help provide it.
You are lucky that you have a father. I recently lost mine. I mean really lost him. His hearse took a wrong turn on the way to the cemetery and we haven’t seen it since. We told the driver to use a GPS but I don’t know what happened. Maybe he typed the wrong cemetery in the information line. My father might be buried in some hole I don’t even know! So when your father dies, which I hope won’t be soon, make sure he gets buried in the right hole. What church does your father preach at? I go to the Church of Holy Execration.
But I am sorry for offending you again. Please forgive me so I can have money. I don’t know if you’ve heard but the weatherman says we (Wisconsin) might get a tornado today. If that’s true, I will really need money if my house gets blown over.
I’m glad you’re not disputing my assertion. How do I get my money?
PS: Can your father say a prayer for me and my money?
Fortunately, Agent Toms wasn't a guy to hold a grudge:
From: Barrister Alexandra Toms
Director- General, ATM Card Payment.
Federal Republic of Nigeria
Central District Area, Lagos
Dear Kevin Kusinitz,
We are happy to inform you that our legal department has concluded authentication of your compensated claim, Credit control unit allocated foreign exchange for your payment and you have finally been approved for payment. We have also completed all paper works for the transfer of your ATM Card totaled $850,000.00 and the pin to access it.
Your details were received in respect to the shipping of your package. We will be sending your ATM Card via FedEx Courier Service upon the receipt of the shipping fees of $135 with 100% no extra charge or hidden fees involved.
Below are the list FedEx Tracking Number of those who previously received there payment;
NAME: A.ANDY; FedEx Tracking no.: 875777478384 (www.fedex.com)
NAME: R.HAMMOND; FedEx Tracking no.: 875777478373 (www.fedex.com)
We guarantee delivery of package to reach you by 48 working hours after payment has been received and we want you to stop communication with any other person claiming to release payment to you. Please be warned!
In order to pay for the shipping of your package you are to make payment via Western Union or Money Gram in the name of our Financial Controller stated below;
Receiver's Name: Peter Ali
Receiver's Address: Lagos, Nigeria
Zip code: 23401
Test Question: Purpose?
Test Answer: Services.
After making payment, do provide us with the following information as evidence of payment as written on the western union or money gram payment receipt.
MTCN# (10 digit Western Union) or if Money Gram 8 digits:
Indicate if Western Union or Money Gram:
You are advised to make it known to us when we shall be receiving the confirmation of your payment receipt so that we will arrange for the shipping of your Parcel immediately.
We expect your feedback as soon as possible.
Thanks and remain blessed.
Barrister Alexandra Toms.
Director- General, ATM Card Payment.
And just as things were going so well, came tragedy:
OMG! Bad news! Remember that tornado I warned you about? It hit! I'm all right. I hid in my basement with cans of soup and tuna fish. (Remember I told you I like lunch? Tuna sandwiches!) The rest of the house is gone, except for the tuna fish. And soup. But I'm alive! But our electricity is out, even at the bank, so no ATM's to deposit the ATM card. But they said I can deposit a check. Can you send a check instead? (I have wireless, that's how I'm sending this to you, in case you think I'm lying, which I'm not.)
You can sense Agent Toms' concern in his reply:
Your mail is well noted to us and all we want to know from you is how do you want to receive your money.
Barrister Alexandra Toms
Man, you'd think he could've been a little more empathetic. I gave him what-for:
I just lost my house and bank from a tornado, and all you can say is my letter is well noted to you? What does that mean? Don’t you care about me? All I’ve got is soup and tunafish! Why don’t you tell me you’re sorry for the tornado? It seems like you don’t care about me!
You said your father was a priest. Didn’t he tell you to care for your fellow man? I swear by your God that I have the money to send you, but I want to see a picture of your father dressed as a priest first. I want to know if he’s praying for me and my soup and tunafish.
Send me a picture of your father the priest and I’ll give you my money and address. But I’m keeping the soup and tunafish. I swear by your God.
I guess Barrister Alexandra Toms his own problems to deal with, for I never heard from him again